Friday, August 23, 2013

What it's really like

I just got off the phone with Cameron. He isn't coming home tonight.We thought he would be coming home for the weekend. I had planned special meals and went to the grocery store so I would have everything we need. I cleaned the litter boxes so he wouldn't feel like he needed to when he got home. I worked on getting Violet's laundry done so the washer and dryer would be free for his clothes.  I really wanted to see him. I was looking forward to waking up with my husband for a night or two. I HATE having him gone.

I love my little Violet, and I appreciate that I have her to hold when I want a hug and her to distract me when I'm desperately missing my best friend, but at the same time- she's a lot of work by myself. It's hard to have her 24/7. I'm still new at parenting. She's not even five months yet. The girls in my lifegroup do an evening bible study- something I'd really like to be able to do- but I can't, because I have Violet. I'm tired in the evenings and really just want to take some time out for myself, but that's right about the time when Violet needs to eat, and take a bath, and play, and read a story... and on and on and on. Don't get me wrong, I love singing with her and cuddling her, and taking care of my baby. I love her. She brings me great joy- but it's still work.She's teething right now, and fusses a lot, and needs a ton of attention to distract her from the pain she's experiencing. I get tired.

I wanted to seem like I was alright on the phone- because I know he's not. But as soon as I hung up, know that I cried like a baby, thankful that Violet was asleep in her room. I just want him home. I want to feel like I'm not alone.

His job is a blessing. His job is a blessing. His job is a blessing. This is what I have to remember over and over. God gave him this job. This job provides what we need in a way unlike anything else we can think of would given Cameron's experience and education. Until God
tells us Cameron needs to go in a different direction work wise, this is where we are. Traveling is part of the job. Last minute changes to "the plan" is also part of the job. His job is a blessing... It's just hard.

If there is a song in the world that describes my life at almost all points it's this one:

"Strong Enough"- Matthew West

You must
You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through

Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us

Well, maybe
Maybe that's the point
To reach the point of giving up

Cause when I'm finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up
And reaching out

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

Cause I'm broken
Down to nothing
But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God
and you are strong
When I am weak

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

Friday, August 9, 2013

Surprisingly Good

How did this happen? Somehow I, Amber Jaeger, major homebody, anti social, lazy girl have stumbled in a happily active life.

This week alone Violet and I have been to the dentist, chiropractor, several walks, several stores, the gym 4 times already, had a friend over, and went to Tyler for a funeral (btw, NEVER take a 4month old to a funeral). This amounts to about the same amount of activity I would typically have in a MONTH... usually with help from my mom and Cameron.

At the same time, Violet has become insanely active. She can now roll both directions and on her side, she can scooch around in circles and short distances... apparently with Lola bunny in tow, and she is constantly squirming. She plays more, talks more, sings, and has lots of fun in the morning before I come in for her- I can only assume she is telling jokes to Lola bunny that crack her up, because I hear her giggling over the monitor.

For reasons beyond my own comprehension, I have also become more active. Did you note the 4 times to the gym this week already? For my entire life I have HATED physical activity. I am scared of balls, which knocks out most sports, I hate running, which knocks out most other sports, and I live too far from snow- so skiing isn't an option. The only consistent physical activity I've ever been able to do is walking. Yet, for some reason I decided we should suck it up, make room in our budget, and join a gym. Then, I went... and liked it. I actually feel good after working out. It's like it makes me happy. Weird. I know. Endorphins, blah blah blah... I suppose people were right.

Not only are we physically active, but I, of my own volition, have planned two trips for Violet and I in the next month:one to west Texas to see some of my extended family, and then one to Idaho to see some of Cameron's extended family. I am voluntarily leaving my safe, comfortable, little home to see other people. If you know me at all, you're probably wondering where Amber is and seriously considering the validity of alien abductions.

I really think God has used Violet to bring me back to life. I read my bible more, pray more, sing more, read more, move more, eat better... and I don't even think about it. These aren't conscious decisions, but rather, the logical consequences of being a mommy.  I don't know what I was doing before, but I really believe it was NOT the abundant life Christ died for me to have. This life: being active, giggling with my daughter, spending time with my family, flirting with my husband, and remembering God's word...this is good.