Wednesday, August 22, 2012

...And Now We Know

Monday was my first prenatal appointment. Not as bad as the books made it out to be- and it didn't take nearly as long as I thought. A little poking, prodding, and of course blood samples, but all in all it was pretty easy going. I even had my first sonogram- my doctor ordered it to date the pregnancy. Since I have irregularly long cycles (tmi... I know) my doctor said that traditional dating probably wouldn't be very accurate. She was right.

According to traditional dating I would have been 7 weeks at my Monday appointment, but according to the lady who did my sonogram I was only at about 5 weeks 3 days. She had a hard time finding the baby because it was so small. No worries though! She did find my little one (please note that yes it was only one praise Jesus!) Added bonus: our little one was just big enough for use to see it's HEART beating!

 I mentioned my worries about miscarriage to my doctor and she was very kind to explain exactly what to look for and what's normal versus what isn't. She even had first hand experience she described to me (she explained that her first pregnancy was a miscarriage). She assured me that while there is always a small chance that something could go wrong, that small chance got much smaller once you see the heart beating. WHEW! That little heart beating gave me the courage to tell our parents about the pregnancy.

So that was the up side of pregnancy news lately... the down side: I feel awful more often than before. It's not just in the afternoons anymore, it's morning, afternoon, and evening.

I'm feeling alright today (which means well enough to sit on my chair and get up occasionally to refill my cup or get a snack without feeling like throwing up on the way). I think having a clean home made a big difference. I have always sworn that a clean environment helps you feel better. Today the girl I called last week to come clean came for the first time. She is amazing! She didn't just clean my house, she organized as she went.  My closet has been a mess for almost a month now and it's spotless and organized now. She even did laundry! My dishes are clean, my clothes are clean, and my home is clean : ) Its downright lovely and worth every penny we paid her. I've been reading a lot of books that tell me not to worry so much about my home getting dirty right now and that its more important to be getting plenty of rest. I agree that resting is better than cleaning, but if you can scrape the money to get help, its MUCH better to rest and have a clean home.

Thursday, August 16, 2012


I woke up feeling terrible. I went to the bathroom, then got ready to shower only to realize that standing up is not a good thing. I laid down in bed and was hit with this incredible feeling of nausea. One of those that makes you afraid to move. So I didn't... move that is. I stayed in bed until I felt like I was safe... I got up, walked into the living room with my phone, stepped toward the kitchen, got a whiff of cat poo and immediately had to sit down. It took a good hour to recover and find the energy to feed the cats. After that it took another good 30 minutes to gain the courage to enter the kitchen so I could get myself some water.

I'm doing a little better now, but I can't really walk... or stand... but sitting here on the couch chair seems to be ok. I need help. I love my husband, and he has been trying, but he is gone to work 13-14 hours a day. When he gets home there just isn't much time or energy for cleaning AND trying to cuddle me and make me feel loved (personally I would rather have the cuddles). He works hard and I'm so glad that I have this opportunity while pregnant to stay at home and just rest when I need to, but I also need my home clean. I don't have the energy or stomach to do it myself and my mommy is too far away to come help me on a regular basis.

I did what was necessary. I called in reinforcements. I officially scheduled a housekeeper to come once a week to clean the apartment and help with dishes and laundry. It's a lot of money, but worth it to get to spend more time with my husband when he's home and not have to live in a disgusting apartment.

When I told Cameron that I called a cleaning lady to come he was apologetic that he hadn't been keeping up with the housework. He was afraid that he wasn't doing a good job taking care of me. I just kinda smiled when he said that because he is so sweet and doesn't realize how great of a job he's doing. I mean, I get to stay at home while pregnant. No working. I get to volunteer with a homeless ministry and because its volunteer work, I can call in without feeling guilty. I can sit at home and read pregnancy books and spend hours looking at things on pinterest and reading mommy blogs and planning for the baby and take naps whenever I feel like it and it's all made possible by Cameron. Him working has provided me with this ideal situation where not only do I get to stay home, but we actually have the means to afford some help with the housework while I'm not feeling up to it.

God really has blessed me so much.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

The Addiction

I've officially known that I'm pregnant for a week now. It seems like so much longer. I've pinned about a million pregnancy-mommy related things already, facebook stalked all of my mommy friends, and started reading at least three different pregnant/mommy related blogs. I have the mommy books, the how to cope with it books, the this is what pregnant women should do books, the this is what you need to buy, what you can plan to spend.... it goes on and on and on. Between the two of us, I think we now have a library of about 11 books dedicated to pregnancy/newborn care. Whats awful is that it isn't even the beginning of all the books I want to read. I've started looking at maternity clothes (and prices- ouch!) as well as perusing craigslist for all things related baby. The one great thing about being in a big city during this time is the abundant choices I have. I don't just have babies r us, target and walmart. I have specialty stores, maternity stores, and the best part: SPECIALTY THRIFT STORES! Yes! There are stores here that just sell "gently used" baby stuff and maternity clothes.

I already know the percent that my insurance company is willing to pay, what my deductible is, and a good estimate of what we can expect to pay out of pocket. I know the terms for how long we have to add the baby to our insurance policy after birth and what situations require "pre-approval" for coverage.

I've already looked around at the prices for disposable diapers and have a plan "a" for how I would like to ideally go about purchasing diapers (of course if the baby ends up allergic to the brand I would prefer, then I'll have to come up with a different, possibly more expensive option). I also have started looking into cloth diapers. I'd like to try using cloth at home as much as possible to cut down on diaper costs and waste (from what I understand our landfills are full of a LOT of diapers- I'd like to at least make an effort to lessen the amount that I add to that).

I'm a little obsessed.... it's good... I think. I like being prepared... and informed. I really like knowing what I'm getting into and knowing as much about it as possible. I'm ready to tell people about being pregnant just so that I can start asking questions. I want to know what my mommy friends recommend. All in good time though I suppose... I still have another 33 1/2 weeks before the baby comes. No rush.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

The NAKED truth of pregnancy

As mentioned before, I haven't been feeling good in the afternoons. Usually somewhere around 2pm I start to feel sick and don't start feeling better again until maybe 8pm. Yesterday it continued on into the night and I felt pretty awful until sometime around 2am.

My husband leaves in the morning long before I wake up, and by the time he gets home, I am pitiful. I go back and forth between sad, angry, bitter, bitchy (excuse the term but I don't know what else to call it), and downright mournful. My home smells. It's dirty. The dishes have been sitting in the sink for days. The trash needs to be taken out and the littler box needs to be changed. My fridge desperately needs to be cleaned out. But here's the thing, by the time I get up out of bed, I barely have enough time to fix myself something to eat so I can force down some pills and vitamins before I start feeling bad. The smells make me nauseous and the lovely skin condition on my hand is extremely irritated by soap. So not only is my house gross, but so am I.

This is what my husband comes home to everyday. So today when I got up I thought I might try to push myself to change at least one thing on that list. So I decided after lunch to try to take a shower. My legs haven't been shaved in over a week. I've been bathed by my husband pretty much every other day but I have a hard time making it in the shower long because the moisture makes me feel sick. So I thought that today I would give it a try because with all that he has to come home to after working a long day, I don't want to add disgusting wife to the list. I can be cranky and feel awful, but I should at least smell and appear clean. I got in, made it through washing (although my hands are sore from it thanks to the soap) and then I started getting tired. I had to turn the water to completely cold to keep from getting nauseous and sit down to attempt shaving my legs. All in all I was successful, I am clean and shaven. But naked. You see, all of that energy... well it was all I had. So now I'm in a towel. I'm curled up on the couch chair in my living room and unless nature calls with some sort of unyielding intensity... I'm not likely to find the energy to move from this spot. I have my laptop, a remote control, my phone, a bottle of water, and a stack of pregnancy books... I have everything I could possibly need... except clothes.

What's awful is that I can see this becoming a trend. Clothes aren't really comfortable anyway. I haven't gained any weight yet (and hope I don't for a while- supposedly that shouldn't start happening for a few more weeks at least) but in spite of maintaining my weight, I look puffy and my stomach feels huge due to the lovely bloating associated with my digestive system deciding to work in slow-motion. This means that my jeans are all highly uncomfortable, my tops aren't fitting cute like they did before, and well... bras are just horrible. Under-wire now seems more like a cruel form of torture.

Pregnancy is gross. The more I learn about it, the more I think that I should have thought more seriously about adoption.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Fear of falling in love...

Wednesday evening when Cameron came home I had him come sit in front of me on the big couch chair and I put my arms around his neck. Quietly I asked him "can you keep a secret?" He was quiet only for a second, then turned around with big eyes and a giant smile on his face and said "NO?" ..."you're pregnant?" I just started crying and shook my head yes.... then grabbed my phone to find the pic of the test I took that was positive as he asked "are you sure?" I showed him the picture while crying... he started crying too. Then he asked "did you take more than one?" to which I answered, "I didn't need to."

 I had suspected that I might be. I've been feeling incredibly tired and sick around the same time of day every day for a while now. I've been itching all over, and this mild skin condition (I think its a mild form of eczema) that I get periodically on my hands has shown up with a vengeance. In addition, I suddenly feel the need to start taking naps and my gums have been hurting (even though I have excellent dental hygiene- my dentist's words, not mine). I've been bloated and half the time nothing sounds good to eat. All of these are extremely common symptoms of early pregnancy.

My husband and I have been half-way trying for about 7 months to get pregnant... we weren't super dedicated or anything... I have never taken my basal body temperature and I really have no idea when I ovulate. At our last doctor's visit when asked about if we were trying we explained the situation and our doctor said she wrote in our charts "not preventing." We've wanted children since we got married but knew it would be best to wait until we'd been married a few years. We also didn't want the pressure of "trying" to have kids. Apparently "half-way" trying or "not preventing" proved effective : )

I'm currently at 5 weeks 5 days according to traditional dating (judged by the start date of the last menstrual period). I called and made my first prenatal appointment today. Monday I go in for labs so those will be handy when I see the doctor in about a week and a half. Cameron and I agreed not to tell anyone about the pregnancy until I'm further along. We figure in a few weeks we can tell close family and then a few weeks later when a miscarriage is less likely, we will share our news with everyone else. I know a lot of people tell much sooner, but here's the deal: I'm scared.

I'm having a hard time being happy about all of this right now. It has nothing to do with wanting children or wanting to be a mom or anything. I want to be a mom, I know Cameron is going to be a great dad, and we are in a really great place in life both in our marriage and relationships. This is almost IDEAL timing (who can ever say that?) The thing is... I don't want to get attached. It's all too good to be true. I'm desperately afraid that the moment I get excited and happy I will fall head over heels in love with this child and then if something happens... if I have a miscarriage... it will just destroy me. But maybe... maybe if I don't get excited, don't get happy, don't think about it as my baby yet, just as this medical condition for now and treat it as such then if things don't work out, it won't be as hard. No matter what it would be hell, but at least it would just be hell for us. I can't bear the thought of not just having my own heart broken, but having to call family and break their hearts too.

Because of the nature of Cameron's job he can't go with me Monday- which is no big deal, just lab work- but I'm HORRIBLE about them taking blood. I get woozy and white and I'm just one of those people who seriously needs someone there as support. So we agreed to tell my mom so I could ask her to go with me. She understands why I don't want to share the news... she had a miscarriage before she had me. She knows the heartbreak of wanting a child so much and believing that you're finally going to have one only to find that your child, your dream, and all that attachment has been destroyed and you were powerless to stop it.. that it had nothing to do with how well you took care of yourself or the good choices you made. That's what's so scary about miscarriages... they rarely have any understandable cause- they almost never have anything to do with the actions of the mother... so I'm powerless. It's just a waiting game.

But then these lyrics play through my head:

Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away?
And I'm so close to what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole

 You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
'Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I'll start