Wednesday evening when Cameron came home I had him come sit in front
of me on the big couch chair and I put my arms around his neck. Quietly I
asked him "can you keep a secret?" He was quiet only for a second, then
turned around with big eyes and a giant smile on his face and said
"NO?" ..."you're pregnant?" I just started crying and shook my head
yes.... then grabbed my phone to find the pic of the test I took that
was positive as he asked "are you sure?" I showed him the picture while
crying... he started crying too. Then he asked "did you take more than
one?" to which I answered, "I didn't need to."
I
had suspected that I might be. I've been feeling
incredibly tired and sick around the same time of day every day for
a while now. I've been itching all over, and this mild skin
condition (I think its a mild form of eczema) that I get periodically on
my hands has shown up with a vengeance. In addition, I suddenly feel
the need to start taking naps and my gums have been hurting (even though
I have excellent dental hygiene- my dentist's words, not mine). I've
been bloated and half the time nothing sounds good to eat. All of these
are extremely common symptoms of early pregnancy.
My
husband and I have been half-way trying for about 7 months to get
pregnant... we weren't super dedicated or anything... I have never taken
my basal body temperature and I really have no idea when I ovulate. At
our last doctor's visit when asked about if we were trying we explained
the situation and our doctor said she wrote in our charts "not
preventing." We've wanted children since we got married but knew it
would be best to wait until we'd been married a few years. We also
didn't want the pressure of "trying" to have kids. Apparently "half-way"
trying or "not preventing" proved effective : )
I'm
currently at 5 weeks 5 days according to traditional dating (judged by the start date of the last menstrual period). I called and made my first prenatal
appointment today. Monday I go in for labs so those will be handy when I
see the doctor in about a week and a half. Cameron and I agreed not to
tell anyone about the pregnancy until I'm further along. We figure in a
few weeks we can tell close family and then a few weeks later when a
miscarriage is less likely, we will share our news with everyone else. I
know a lot of people tell much sooner, but here's the deal: I'm scared.
I'm
having a hard time being happy about all of this right now. It has
nothing to do with wanting children or wanting to be a mom or anything. I
want to be a mom, I know Cameron is going to be a great dad, and we are
in a really great place in life both in our marriage and relationships.
This is almost IDEAL timing (who can ever say that?) The thing is... I
don't want to get attached. It's all too good to be true. I'm
desperately afraid that the moment I get excited and happy I will fall
head over heels in love with this child and then if something happens...
if I have a miscarriage... it will just destroy me. But maybe... maybe
if I don't get excited, don't get happy, don't think about it as my baby
yet, just as this medical condition for now and treat it as such then
if things don't work out, it won't be as hard. No matter what it would
be hell, but at least it would just be hell for us. I can't bear the
thought of not just having my own heart broken, but having to call
family and break their hearts too.
Because of the
nature of Cameron's job he can't go with me Monday- which is no big
deal, just lab work- but I'm HORRIBLE about them taking blood. I get
woozy and white and I'm just one of those people who seriously needs
someone there as support. So we agreed to tell my mom so I could ask her
to go with me. She understands why I don't want to share the news...
she had a miscarriage before she had me. She knows the heartbreak of
wanting a child so much and believing that you're finally going to have
one only to find that your child, your dream, and all that attachment
has been destroyed and you were powerless to stop it.. that it had
nothing to do with how well you took care of yourself or the good
choices you made. That's what's so scary about miscarriages... they
rarely have any understandable cause- they almost never have anything to
do with the actions of the mother... so I'm powerless. It's just a
waiting game.
But then these lyrics play through my head:
Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away?
And I'm so close to what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole
You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
'Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I'll start
