Monday, December 31, 2012

It's not about a new year

Well, our Christmas decorations are all down. They've already been packed up and put in storage. It's a little sad. We usually have decorations up until Valentine's Day. Don't judge me for that...we really love Christmas.

We took everything down early so it'd be less to pack up later. We have just one month until we're back in Longview- which also means just one month until our entire apartment has to be packed up and ready to go. We loaded up the car and Cameron's truck full of stuff we aren't using right now and drove it all up this past weekend. We rented a storage and left his truck in Longview. We realized that we had three vehicles (Cameron's work truck, his personal truck, plus the car) and only 2 people to drive them all... so we had to go early and drop one off. It worked out nice because it jump started the packing phenomenon and it forced us to find a storage.

 I was super excited to find a 10x15 unit for just $60/month! The place was really well kept and incredibly clean. An older retired couple have a storage facility and office out of the their home that is on the property. I like it when businesses are personal... I also like knowing a little bit about the people I do business with- although I suppose hearing about how they acquired each of their 4 dogs, chickens, cows, horses, etc. wasn't necessary... neither was the story about how dumb it is to let "storage wars" film on your property (because it might make thieves believe there is something worth stealing). Regardless, I like knowing that our business is helping to support this older retired couple rather than being pushed up a corporate ladder at one of those chain places.

We even took the first of many loads of unnecessary things from our home in Longview and put that in storage. We've learned from our time in San Antonio that we really like it when our home is less cluttered- and in Longview, we just have too much stuff for too little space- enter the beauty of storage. We also have decided that we really need to have a yard sale. While we have plenty of things we should just store out of the way (seasonal items, clothes, furniture that we will need when we get a bigger place, etc) we also have a bunch of stuff that we just don't need or use.

We're starting to accept that we are probably going to be in the same home in Longview for a while because we just won't have the money to move to anything bigger... but at least that means that I get to paint the nursery! (Which really means I get to pick out the paint color and Cameron will "get to" paint the nursery). The poor thing... has to do all the loading, unloading, painting... yeah. I'd feel sorry for all the work he has to do if it weren't for the fact that I carry a baby in my uterus 24/7  that has caused a plethora of unpleasant symptoms, and in just 15 1/2 weeks, I have to push it out (aka... worst "natural" pain known to man). So... yeah... I'm not going to feel bad about all the work he has to do... I will tell him that I appreciate it (which I do), and occasionally (when I feel like it) rub his back, neck, or head and tell him I love him.

In other news, my last OBGYN appointment went well. Heard her little heartbeat along with her moving around a ton, and I'm measuring right on track. Weight gain is also going well so far- still haven't had any increase in appetite so from start to now I've only gained about 8-9 lbs. (If you're thinking that doesn't sound like much for someone as far along as me (currently 24 1/2 weeks), think again- when you start out as high weight as I did you don't need to gain much and it's actually better for baby if you don't).

We're excited. Between getting to return to Longview, and looking forward to meeting our precious little girl, we have a lot to look forward to this next year. Goodbye 2012! (aka our last year "alone")

Sunday, December 16, 2012

For Christmas

It's a strange Christmas for us this year. Aside from the unseasonably warm weather, we will be celebrating a little differently than usual. This will be our first year to not see the lights downtown Marshall... we started dating in December of 2007. A year later, Cameron asked me to marry him and we walked around downtown Marshall afterwards. We stopped and sat on a bench for the longest time under a tree covered in red lights and just stared at the courthouse all lit up. It was a quiet moment to sit back and soak in the joy. The first year we were married it didn't work out for us to see any family for Christmas- so it was just us. A great couple (Glen and Misty Scott) invited us to come to their home for lunch on Christmas. We didn't have anywhere else to go (at least nowhere we could afford to go) so we went and were blessed that first year to get to share the holiday with their family. After lunch, we left and drove downtown to look at the lights. I don't remember a lot from that day, but I remember Cameron pointing out the tree that we had sat under a year before. I remember being surprised that it stuck in his head the way it did in mine. Since then, we've gone back each year on Christmas day to look at the lights and see our tree, and remember just for a moment our special night.

This year we won't get to go to Marshall on Christmas day. It's been a different year. We came to San Antonio because I really believed (and still do) that it is what God was telling us to do. It's been hard being so far from friends and not having our church family, and even harder for me to be away from my mom, my best friend. I came here believing God had some great work to accomplish through me working with Sam Ministries. While I did most certainly slip right into a me-sized hole in that organization, the longer I'm here, the more I see that God's plan was so much bigger. Honestly, SAMM just seems like a tiny side note to what our time in San Antonio has brought us. I knew from the start that God wasn't sending us here forever, and that our time would be short-lived, but I can't help but be surprised at how the timing worked out.

When I found out about being pregnant, I was thrilled, but upset that I would be in San Antonio for the whole thing- away from my mom and friends. I originally refused to accept that I would have Violet here. I told my doctor in Longview that I would just drive up for appointments and then about two months before I was due, I would come back to Longview so I could have the baby there, and then go back to San Antonio afterwards. She looked at me like I was crazy (which I was).

We originally came expecting to stay a year, but later realized that we may be here longer than that. I had a hard time adjusting to the idea that I needed to start making a life here in San Antonio. I felt like God was asking me to give up my life (which I had left in East Texas). The funny thing is, after a little time (and encouragement from my friend Paige) I had really started to believe that there could be a life here for us. We started to grow accustomed to the idea and together made the commitment to make an effort (once I stop being sick thanks to Violet) to really start building relationships with others in the area. We got a notice that our lease was coming up at the end of January and we had discussed signing a new one... it's like the moment that we gave up on going back to Longview and accepted that God may have other plans for us, He was like "just kidding guys, it took yall long enough to decide I know better... and by the way, I think it's better if yall go back to Longview pretty soon."

I feel like in some ways God was just testing me to see if I'd be willing to give it up. I say me and not us because Cameron didn't struggle the same way I did with leaving. He missed friends and everything, but he was excited about San Antonio and all it had to offer. I've lived in large areas before and already knew that I didn't want what it offers. Before we left I tried to explain why Longview was the perfect place for us to be and to start a family, but Cameron didn't see it the way I did. He didn't appreciate it. The longer we're here though, the more he seems to notice the merits of Longview. By the time his job called and said things were changing, he was pretty ecstatic that it meant cutting our time in San Antonio short.

I know this whole thing was long winded and seems disjointed, but it's a lot of different things that I've been mulling around in my head. When it comes down to it, this whole year seems like Christmas to me. You see, we celebrate Christmas because Christ was born. We give gifts to symbolize the gift He gave in coming here. The Christmas story is the story of birth and new life and love. It's not getting rid of the old, but rather the fulfilling of what was old. That's what this year feels like to me. We didn't get rid of our old life, God gave us a gift. We didn't understand it at first (just as many didn't understand the birth of Christ at first for the gift that it was), but I can see now that our time in San Antonio was a blessing, or rather fulfillment of the abundant life that Christ offers to us. Returning to Longview isn't returning to our old life, but rather coming into something new because we're not the same people who left it- we've both changed. The love that started there, that we drive to Marshall every year to remember, it's grown so much that God is giving us a new little person to share it with. We get our own little birth of new life and love and it spreads not just between us, but to all aspects of our life.

Lord thank you for Christmas.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

A new birthday perspective

Today I am officially 26 years old. It feels old. Most years go by fairly meaninglessly and I feel no different, but this year I feel old. It could be because I'm now on the downhill side of my 20s, or it could be the fact that I will be transitioning from being "Amber" 100% of the time to finding a balance between who I am now, and the new person "Mommy" that I am becoming. I know that being a parent will change everything. It already has.

I don't feel like doing much these days. Honestly, if I accomplish just one household task a day I feel pretty good, and if I manage to accomplish more than one, I feel like superwoman. Little Violet just seems to suck the energy out of me. So, for my birthday I really just wanted to be comfortable and relax with my favorite things. I got just that- I slept in, got wonderfully comfy cute new pjs that I promptly put on, had my favorite meal for lunch, Cameron made my favorite dessert, and even put together dinner in the crockpot before he left for work this afternoon (he's working nights right now). We watched my all time favorite movie and just lounged on the couch. It was beautiful.

By the time Cameron left, I was feeling tired. I know, I hadn't done a single thing, but that's just how things go these days. I get tired for no reason. I feel the need to nap a LOT. I don't return phone calls unless they are from my doctor or pharmacy.. and honestly I only return those because I want them to keep me supplied in Zofran. Occasionally, if I'm feeling particularly well, I will return a phone call to my parents.

So, like I said, I was feeling pretty tired when Cameron left for work, and my mom called. She had texted earlier, and I hadn't responded. I just didn't feel like it, and normally I wouldn't have given it a second thought because I know she understands how exhausted I am all the time and how I get sick even with the Zofran, so she doesn't mind if I don't answer her calls or return them for a few days until I feel better. But today is different, you see, it's my birthday, and while normally that translates into a license to do whatever I want, in the few seconds after seeing the "missed call" on my phone from my mom I thought about the fact that 26 years ago she gave birth to me. She went through horrible labor and ripped wide open and had to stay in the hospital for days to recover. For the first time in my life, I felt like on my birthday, I owed her something. So I called her back. I told her thank you for sending me a card and texting me and such, but I wanted to say so much more. I thought in that moment of my sweet little Violet. I will want the chance to talk to her on her birthday until the day I die. I just couldn't deny my mom that right.

It was a new way of thinking for me. I think it means I'm growing up a little more.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

And now we know ; )

So as you all know, I have been completely convinced that I'm having a boy. I went in to the anatomy ultrasound expecting my suspicions to be confirmed and look at my husband and say "I told you so."

That didn't happen. Much to our surprise, WE'RE HAVING A GIRL!

I am so excited to pick out little dresses and make matching bows : )  Oh, and we can't forget about the totes full of barbies from my childhood (barbie dream house included) that I will get to pull out in a few years and see my precious memories relived with my sweet baby girl. I'm already busy making wall art and planning the nursery decor. It is so much more fun to look at girl items. She is going to LOVE shopping with mommy!

My mom came with us to the ultrasound and as soon as we left the first thing she said was "I can't believe she's so big already." If I read the ultrasound report right, my little girl is measuring larger than what my April 18 due date would put her at. I wish I knew a little more about reading ultrasound reports because I really think it changed my due date to be more like April 10. I guess I'll just have to wait til after Christmas when I go back to my doctor and ask.

While we were waiting to go in for the ultrasound we were talking about names and how I didn't want to have to try and come up with one for a girl because I had been so torn. As soon as the ultrasound tech told me it was a girl I knew there were only two options. Within an hour of the ultrasound, I knew the name I wanted for my little girl.

Violet Grace Jaeger is her name. There are about a million reasons for why we chose this name. Violet is a name I chose when I was very young and started reading the series "The Boxcar Children" by Gertrude Chandler Warner. Violet is a character in the books and I thought it was just the most beautiful name, and it's stuck with me ever since. As I grew older and started thinking of baby names and learning more about the significance of a name and how God created women, I decided that I wanted my girls' names to exude beauty whether in meaning, sound, or symbol. I also want them to feel connected to family. I didn't know before, but Violet is a family name on my biological father's side. I like that the name Violet is not just a beautiful flower, color, and family name, but that it also represents a great love for reading that I had at an early age: something we both agree we deeply desire for our children.

Grace as a concept I think is the greatest gift aside from salvation that God has given us (and let's face it, "Grace" makes a better sounding name than "Salvation").  Grace is the name of one friend who never doubted my judgement in choosing to marry my husband, Cameron. She stuck by me 100% and it meant the world to me. I had great adventures with her in college and remember our friendship fondly. Grace is also family. Grace is the name of my husband's grandmother, the one who's diamond is in my engagement ring. As it turns out, grandma Grace's best friend was named Violet.

We have so many reasons to hold her name dear and so many great memories and feelings tied to the words violet and grace. I am really happy with the name and crazy surprised how easy it was for us to settle on it after finding out that we're having a girl.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Where you least expect it

Since the introduction of Zofran to my life, the whole pregnancy thing has drastically changed. I go shopping. I even do a little grocery shopping. Lack of nausea doesn't mean smells don't affect me or that I magically have energy to do a bunch of errands, but it does allow me to get out for small trips assuming I rest whenever I feel the need to- I've been putting those benches at the front of store to good use- and even opened up a folding chair once and just sat down next to the display for a little bit.

Due to the coming holiday, I have family on their way to my house right now and it wasn't until last night that I realized that while I have a guest bedroom with a bed, sheets, and comforter- I don't have any guest pillows. Pregnancy has slowly claimed every spare pillow we had so that now, there are no extras. Because of this, I decided that I better head to Walmart to pick up a few.

I went in for pillows and chicken broth- after circling the parking lot forever and finally deciding to park way out in Timbuktu I decided that I didn't want to have to come back until the holiday was over because it was so packed and it's just MONDAY- during the day- seriously, don't people have to work? Anyways... while in the store I started thinking of other things I might need or want, and having decided that there is NO WAY I want to come back to this store until after Thanksgiving or subject any of my family to having to fight the crowds, I took a "go ahead and buy it now" attitude. Better to have too much than to have to fight the crowds later.

Well... that lead to a fairly full cart of groceries... and I was there by myself. After having walked the ENTIRE store, I was thoroughly exhausted, and as I was lifting groceries out of my cart at the checkout I was thinking how on earth am I ever going to have the energy to lift these AGAIN into my car?

Thanks to Cameron's influence, I now talk to the cashiers wherever I go. He's really taught me to take more notice of people and treat them with not just kindness, but interest. His ability to talk to and take interest in the lives of people he doesn't know is one of Cameron's best qualities.

But back to my story- So... I'm talking to the lady at the cash register and asking her how her day is going and she starts talking to me about my day and asking about the baby (I may only be 18 1/2 weeks along, but I look VERY pregnant regardless of what I wear). It was a really nice conversation and as she was finishing up she looked at me and said "you look really tired, can I get you some help with those bags?"

WHAT? I'm at Walmart. They don't help you with your bags. In fact, I don't think I have ever in all my experience with the store even come across an employee remotely capable of helping me with a service they do offer. If anything, I have through experience come to rate Walmart as being the store with the absolute worst customer service in the history of the concept. Yet, this woman saw the relief on my face when she offered the help and immediately called someone up to the front to come push my heavy cart out and load everything into my car.

The guy who came up to take me out to my car was friendly too. He asked me about the baby and told me about his family member who is also expecting. He even sorted out the bags with cold things in them and put them up front so I could just take those in at home and leave the rest for someone else to carry up.

I never ever would have expected such kindness and service at Walmart. Yet, right when I needed it, there it was.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

The Wonder of Choices

Today has been the best day in a long time. I called my doctor early this morning to make sure the huge blood vessel bursts in my eye weren't serious (they're not, btw- completely normal). In the process, I mentioned how much I've been struggling with nausea and that I was interested in some relief- enough said. They called in a prescription for Zofran to my local Walgreens and I couldn't be more thankful.

I don't know if it's the tea or the Zofran, or the combination of the two- but today I had the energy to not just go into my kitchen- but to actually clean it! That's right. I did the dishes. I cleaned the counters. I even scrubbed down the sink. I picked up my living room too. Maybe that doesn't sound lovely to you, and I'll agree that while I hate feeling miserable so often, it has been nice to let someone else take care of the chores- but it's so much nicer to have a choice in the matter. Today, for the first time in a long time, I had that choice. Standing to do dishes didn't make me gag. Pulling out the trash didn't completely wipe me out. I was able to do several chores before getting tired. I know that right now I don't have to keep up with the housework, but it's so nice to have the option to do it myself if I'm so inclined.

In other news, I think I may finally make a trip up to Longview next Monday! If this is really what the happy little pill does for me I think I can make the trip by myself. I miss my mom. I know she'll be down for thanksgiving, but it will be nice to see her sooner and to be able to pick up some happy fall/christmas decorations from the house. 

13 days until we find out if it's a boy or a girl!

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Dear Gummybear,

Dear Gummybear,

I think it's time we have a little chat. You're getting older now and it's about time for you to outgrow the "make mommy sick every single morning" syndrome you've developed. I put up with it through the first twelve weeks. When it extended to fourteen I gave you the benefit that you're still young and many others your age exhibit the same behavior, but you're nearly sixteen weeks old now. It's time to grow up and quit making mommy sick.

On that note of growing, I'd also like to inform you that I do not appreciate how you kept me up all night. The strange noises coming from my tummy and the achy pains of stretching are not good for mommy's sleep deprivation. If you could please, try to keep it calm at night- its very tiring for me to constantly be feeding and growing you, but much more so when I can't sleep.

Now, while I'm not thrilled with your recent behavior, I want you to know that I still love you very much. Even though you make me sick and tired and hurt all the time, I wouldn't trade the best health in the world for you. You're worth every ailment. Every physical misery is replaced with joy when I think about how lucky I am that I get to be your mom. You will never know how much your daddy and I wanted you and hoped for you and prayed that someday God would bless us with you. Last night while you were keeping me up for hours I decided to spend some time talking to God, did you hear me? I like to think that because you're inside me, you can hear the thoughts I exchange with God even when they aren't audible.

I love you. Keep growing however you need to do that. Mommy is going to be just fine. I can't wait to meet you.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

My Gummy-Bear is Still Tickin'

Well, just got back from another happy prenatal visit : )  Baby gummy-bear's heartbeat was quick to find and just tickin' away : ) Makes me feel good to have that reassurance. Also, my doc's office finally received my medical records from east texas- so we were able to go over those which was nice.

Today I learned something I never knew about myself: my blood type. I really feel like this is something I should have known earlier in life, but eh... turns out it was never really a life or death thing. I came home and immediately researched my type because my doctor said I'm a somewhat rare type: AB+
I'm what's known as a "universal recipient"- which is exactly the opposite of someone with O- blood. O- can give to everyone, but only receive O- hence being a "universal donor."  I, on the other hand, can only give to someone who is also AB+, but I can receive from anyone. That's right- so if something ever happens and I'm dying and in need of blood- I expect every one of you to line up to donate : )

Aside from gummy-bear's heartbeat, and learning that I have awesome blood, I also got some exciting news today, so take note of this date:

November 20, 2012 we will find out gender!!!

And a few have asked, so here is the estimated due date: April 18, 2013.

I know... I buried the lead there- so sue me, I was never very good at my journalism class.

Other less exciting news:
 I'm still getting sick pretty regularly. Talked to my doctor about it and since I'm no longer losing weight, he thinks it best just to go ahead and stick it out since it should be getting better soon. According to the scale at his office, I've actually gained a pound since my last visit. No doubt this weekend's smorgasbord of gooey butter cake, caramel corn, and whole bags of baked lays had an impact on that. What can I say? Before 2pm I can't stand the sight of food, after 2pm I can't stop eating it. There are worse things in the world.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

The 100th Day

Today I have officially been pregnant for 100 days and being past 14 weeks all members of the medical community will agree that I'm officially in my second trimester (big sigh of relief).

Pregnant junk report:
Still dealing with morning sickness... although praise Jesus, most days it really is just morning sickness. I wake up, get sick, spend a couple hours recovering, then I'm able to move on with my day (which by then is really just an afternoon). I'm not complaining about this though since it's a vast improvement.
I'm excited to report that my weight is no longer going down- not going up either, but at this point I'm thankful for a little stability.

In other news:
I'm doing better with the worry aspect. I can't really explain it- I don't feel  like anything has changed, and in essence it hasn't. There was no big God moment- it's just like one day I woke up and I wasn't really worried anymore- it was just gone. I know that's an answer to prayer- not just my prayers, but those of my faithful friends and family- so to all of you, thank you.

Cameron and I have had some really awesome moments lately of really getting to connect with each other. We've spent a lot of time sitting and sipping and talking about our passions and our hopes for the future and our feelings about becoming parents. It's nice to know that we are both dealing with some of the same "big" questions. We have seasons like this periodically in our relationship and I really cherish them. I encourage all who are married and read this to set aside some time to sit with your friend and just talk- not about work or family or money- but rather talk about your interests, hopes, anxieties, goals, or random thoughts- just start sharing and encouraging each other.

Monday, October 15, 2012

The Joys of Pregnancy

Thus far my pregnancy has been less than joyful. More accurate descriptions would be miserable, painful, anxiety ridden, and incredibly uncomfortable. However, God did not call me to sit around complaining about the ills of life (not that the lack of calling stops me from doing so). We are told to rejoice always- so today I am listing out the things about pregnancy that I can find joy in.

The Joys of Pregnancy:

1. Sleeping nine hours, waking up for three, then taking a three hour nap without feeling one ounce of guilt.

2. Finally having the courage to send back food I don't like at a restaurant and telling the waiter it's because I'm pregnant.

3. Not having to do the dishes because I can't stand the smell of dish soap.

4. Actually, not having to do any house cleaning because my nose and lack of energy make it an "undue hardship." Seriously, I'm growing a child that makes me sick everyday- what more can be expected?

5. Getting to shamelessly spend hours at a time on pinterest looking at baby things and not having to explain to anyone why.

6.Wearing the most comfortable clothing on earth and for the first time ever- actually wanting it to show off a growing tummy.

7. Weighing myself weekly and hoping to see the scale go up. (This hasn't happened yet, but my Dr. says that will soon change : )

8. The freedom to cry when watching an emotional commercial on tv and being able to blame it on "the hormones."

9. Best of all: getting to tell loved ones about the exciting new addition to our family : )

Friday, October 12, 2012

As promised, a Va-Cay update : )

I really should apologize for the facebook explosion. It was absurd, however, I'm pregnant... so let's blame that : )

Sooo... vacation isn't completely over, but it kinda feels like it is because Cameron had to work today, but to recap:

We visited these places:
The Alamo- made my heart flutter to indoctrinate my husband with Texas history
The San Antonio Museum of Art
Sea World
The Riverwalk
 Market Square

We ate at these places:
Meson European
Fusion House- still surprised baby let me try that one- and even more surprised how much I liked it
Marble Slab- baby LOVES ice cream :)
Logan's- had never been to one... it was ok.
Casa Rio- first Mexican food in nearly two months- woohoo! This is one of our favorite places in town.
Schilo's Delicatessen- holy cow amazing! Split pea soup and apple struesel- where has this been all my life?
Panera Bread- this was my first time to ever eat at Panera- it's a winner! Almost didn't make it in though because of the smell from the Pei Wei next door : (

I was impressed with my ability to try new foods and go so many places without ever getting sick in public. Granted, we spent several hours every afternoon in the room resting, never got a start before 10am (mornings are still very iffy) and we were almost always back by 8pm to call it a day... plus for every minute I spent walking somewhere, I sat on a bench for an equal amount of time. It was a lot of stop and go, but so much better than I've felt in weeks. Of course, today I was totally pooped from it all and glad to get to stay in bed til 2pm. We will continue with vacation activities tomorrow: Cameron is running a 5k in the morning then we have a couples massage scheduled (YAY!) and we have plans to do some rummage sale shopping, possibly visit traders village, and hopefully make it to the Witte Museum.

On a different note, my recent announcement on Facebook was a big step for me. I'm still pretty freaked out about sharing the news because I have a lingering feeling that something bad is going to happen. I know that I need to be trusting God with this, and I'm working on that- truly... it's just hard. I need to start spending time with people- I really need to find a church down here where we can get involved with other couples close to our age. I think a big part of my problem is the lack of Christian fellowship I have here- being alone is not good for me. I'm hoping that very soon I will be feeling well enough in the mornings for us to go back to trying churches in the area (since I've been pregnant mornings have been the worst- hence the reason we still aren't plugged in anywhere).

Monday, October 8, 2012


OK, so a real post will happen after vacation (which by the way, is going much better than I expected- turns out I'm sensitive fragrances put in like shampoo/soap- so we switched to all fragrance free products and I'm greatly improved : )

SO... until my next post- here's a few pics from today's photo session : ) They will go public Thursday when we share our news with the world, but for now this is just between us.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Two more weeks!

I'm 12 weeks exactly today (small celebratory dance in my mind inserted here). The last week or two has been completely miserable. I have progressed from getting sick a few times a week to a new minimum of at least once a day, but often more and I feel like getting sick all the time. I thought this was supposed to get better the farther along I get? Tomorrow night starts Cameron's vacation. We have tons of plans for the next week- things I've been planning and dreaming about since February. Last night Cameron asked me how I think it's all going to work out, and the truth is, I have no idea.

I've spent the last two weeks on my couch. No joke. I really, truly haven't left my house AT ALL. I don't think I've even put on clothes. I wear underclothes and take my pillows and sheet into the living room each morning. I have small spurts where I have enough energy to maybe get dinner started before Cameron gets home, or gather some of the trash that's accumulating from my "mission control" center, but the energy is quickly spent.

I'm still losing weight. Since the day I found out I'm pregnant (August 8) til today I've lost at least 6 pounds. I swear I eat everyday- multiple times. I'm getting sick more now, but honestly I'm not losing that much food (warning, tmi: I mostly get sick in the morning before I've eaten so what's coming up isn't food). I drink juice and almost everything I eat is high calorie. I'm really not sure how it is that I get virtually no exercise at all, I eat high calorie foods, and actually drink at least 300 calories a day, and yet I'm losing weight. I've sat and tried totaling my daily calorie intake to make sure I'm not depriving my little one- I'm getting at least 1500-1800 a day and sometimes more. So why does the scale keep showing smaller numbers? I'm not worried at the moment so much because I know it's common for a lot of women to lose a little during the first trimester due to sickness... But seriously, most women would be gaining weight with this lifestyle.

I'm ready to feel better. I'm going to give "vacation" my best effort and if nothing else, we can take a lot of naps. The good news is that this time next week I will be posting our new announcement pictures online and letting the whole world know we're having a little one! Cameron is just bursting to tell everyone. I know our parents (my mom especially) are having a hard time keeping the secret. (At this point we've only told parents and a handful of friends- Cameron's brothers don't even know yet!) It almost feels crazy that this has been the most consuming part of our lives for the past two months and hardly anyone knows.

Strangely, I'm still having a hard time finding the joy of pregnancy. I think it's a combination of still being early enough to warrant a higher risk of loss and the unending misery of symptoms. I'm hoping the next few weeks brings peace of mind and the symptoms start to lift so that I can return to life as a normal human being that walks, talks, eats and breathes without feeling like throwing up (seriously sometimes just talking on the phone makes me gag). 14 weeks is when I am considering the first trimester over- and it can't come soon enough.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Warning: OB love spill to follow

I LOVE Dr. Dudley! That has probably been the most enjoyable Dr. visit I've ever been to. I felt like I was speaking with someone who was not only an authority, but also respected me and was incredibly understanding.

He sat down and seriously just spent time talking with me about my pregnancy, my time in San Antonio, what to expect, what to look for, how to deal with my symptoms and where to go if I have any issues. He was very honest about the pros and cons of the hospital he works with for delivery which helped me a lot (I wasn't thrilled with pretty much being forced to use this hospital simply because the others don't want to deal with a "high risk," but he set my mind at ease by showing me how to work things to my advantage).

He was super eager to offer me relief options for symptoms and even worries, but didn't feel the need to pressure me. (My doctor in Longview is always pushing meds for symptoms when I sometimes would rather avoid unnecessary meds- especially now with my little gummy bear). When I mentioned my aversion to unnecessary meds he was quick to support my feelings on the issue while making me feel that it would still be ok to ask for meds if I change my mind later. He offered to do another ultrasound if I was worried (because I mentioned my miscarriage fears) but his confidence and willingness to ease my fears made me feel so much better about everything, so I told him that an ultrasound wasn't necessary.

Pregnancy "emergencies" are not handled by the emergency room- and in fact, I was told to absolutely avoid that entire floor at all costs unless I am in a car wreck. Pregnant women have a separate place to go on a different floor. Although if I do get in a car wreck, the emergency room is the best place to go- he said that people in San Antonio are horrible drivers and that I should avoid driving as much as possible and gave a little speech on the importance of always wearing a safety belt. He has several patients EVERY YEAR that end up in car wrecks. (That's a bit unsettling!)

Overall I left feeling like someone really cared. Like no matter what happens he's going to be there for me and take care of things. I felt safe and relaxed. 

He said I have about two-four more weeks of these yucky symptoms then they should start to go away : )
I go back in four weeks for a check up, then three weeks later will be the full scan ultrasound where they will spend a lot of time examining my gummy bear to make sure he/she is developing properly and we will hopefully find out the gender then : ) Of course it will be November by then, but still- that's only seven weeks away!

Friday, September 21, 2012

And counting...

Week 10, day 2. I'm finally to double digits! Just a few more weeks and we can make the big announcement. I called and got an OB here in San Antonio. I will go in Monday to meet him for the first time. Not thrilled about it being a him.... but after a lot of calling around and talking to other doctors, it seems that he is the best qualified to take care of me and my little one considering my entire health profile. He's actually a professor at the medical school here. He's published a LOT of articles, and his specialties seem to be in high-risk cases. He is definitely "in the know" with all the most up to date information and practices. That makes me feel a little better.  Now if I meet him and he seems nice, I will be able to breathe a sigh of relief.

Every day I look at my calendar and count how many days I've been pregnant. Then I count how much money we have and how much money a baby costs- OUCH. We need to be saving right now for the costs just of delivery. I'm a little money stressed today. The cost of going to Longview for care has been way more than we could afford... it's crazy how big the number is that it all added up to (nearly two weeks of pay not including doctor bills). Now we're paying for it the hard way. I had to ask our housekeeper to skip coming the next three weeks so we can put the money towards bills. We've been cancelling subscription services and I've been clipping coupons. I put his truck up for sale today. 

Being pregnant has come with a high cost so far- not just monetary. I hate that yesterday when Cameron sat down on the couch with me for dinner I burst into tears and sobbed uncontrollably. I don't even know why I did it. What makes it worse is that it's so unpredictable. I can be having a great day. I feel good, I'm eating, I'm able to get my own glasses of water and I'm in a good mood (take note that I've been reduced to describing a "good" day as one where I'm able to walk and eat with an agreeable disposition)... maybe I'm even out at SAMM or running an errand with Cameron.. then BAM! I'm hit with this awful feeling of nausea and I have to drop everything I'm doing and basically go into 4 year old mode where I have someone else do everything for me while I lay on a couch.

I'm complaining. I know that, and I tried to limit it. I'm glad we're having a baby. We've wanted one since the day we got married. I know that the symptoms are evidence of the life God is weaving in me. I know that in the end, it's worth it. I also sincerely hope that I have no memory of this time of pain and doubt when it's all over. Regardless of how my symptoms are once I get out of the first trimester, I really believe this whole experience will be easier in a way because then I will feel more confident that this child in me is one that I will get to meet. It's hard to experience the joy associated with having a baby when you're still so afraid that your baby might not make it. Just a few more weeks... I'm counting. I'm waiting and anticipating the moment when I can let out the joy and celebrate with others that we're going to have a baby. I think I'm holding it in so deeply because that's the dream: since I was in pre-k the only aspirations I've ever truly owned up to are the deep desires to be a wife and a mommy.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

What I've learned from Nausea:

The past few weeks have taught me a few hard learned lessons:

  • Sit. When your body says "sit"- do so immediately
  • Eat. Regardless of how bad you feel- and do so often. Eat before you go to bed, eat as soon as you wake up before getting out of bed, EAT! Snack. Indulge. That one little chocolate covered donut before climbing out of bed can make all the difference. Thanks to nausea, I've been losing weight- so I'm not worried about the donut if that's the only thing that sounds good. It's more important to eat. I can't put anything down in large enough amounts for it to matter anyway.
  • Drink. Even if you can only handle small amounts at a time- dehydration is no one's friend and comes with a host of awful symptoms.Gatorade has been my greatest craving.
  • Sleep. A lot. Go to bed early, sleep in, take naps. 
  • Rest. Sit down, lay down, read a book, watch a movie, waste time on pinterest. Physically and mentally give yourself downtime. The pressure of being the sole nutrient provider for a little one and the environment for them to grow and development is enough to stress anyone out. Fear of miscarriage creeps in and thoughts of "am I doing this right?" can be suffocating. Lots of physical and mental rest help. 
As it turns out, the consequence of not doing these things is vomit. Sometimes vomit will come regardless, but these things really do seem to make a difference. I've actually had a few good days lately. You know, the kind where you can almost make it through a thorough tooth brushing without gagging. It's lovely.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

My gummybear

Yesterday was a follow up appointment. My doctor ordered a second ultrasound since the dating from the last ultrasound was so far off from my LMP dating. We were excited since the first one wasn't very eventful- not much to see.

Second ultrasound went great! Growth of the baby was consistent with the previous ultrasound. I'm at 8 weeks 7 days! The lady who did my ultrasound was great about pointing out all the little developments my baby has made. She said he's the about the size of a gummy bear right now. I like that. A huge portion of his body is his head, the rest is pretty much just his heart, and there are little leg and arm buds. When we were watching the screen our little gummy bear was squirming around and dancing a little jig, truly Cameron's child : )

My doctor called after she got the ultrasound to say that everything looks good and that baby gummybear's heart beat was 170bpm. Best part of all: this time I got a picture! It's hard to see, but still, it's exciting.

My doctor still seems concerned that the dating was like 10 days off. She said she will probably order one more ultrasound in a few weeks just to be extra safe. Also, she insists that I find an OB in San Antonio. She seems really against me trying to come back to Longview to have the baby. Cameron and I started talking about the idea on the drive back. It would make things so much easier if all of this was happening in San Antonio since we wouldn't have to make so many drives (which cost money) and Cameron wouldn't to have to ask for as much time off. I don't know. There are some major pluses to doing all of this in San Antonio- along with being more cost effective it would also be much more convenient- I just still really don't like the idea of my baby being born here.I had always hoped that my baby would get to be born and raised in the same place.

I've really been struggling with holding on to Longview. We haven't made friends here in San Antonio, we haven't gotten involved in a church, and I think part of it is intentional- because who wants to invest their time and effort in relationships that are temporary? An old friend of Cameron's was in town not long ago and met us for dinner- we expressed these things to him and he pretty much just told us that we were wrong. We aren't promised tomorrow so we have to live each day to the fullest. He said that investing in relationships is what God called us to do. He said we have to live life where God has put us. He made some good points. We dearly miss our friends and church family in Longview and can't wait to get back, but until God brings us back, it's time to start living our lives here. I'm not sure where to start with that, but I think it starts with calling an OB and accepting that God knew when and where I'd be when He blessed us with this pregnancy and He chose the time and place for a reason.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Sleep is so good

I slept twelve hours and I don't feel one shred of guilt. I feel like a new person. This has been the BEST morning. I woke up feeling alive. I was HUNGRY! and get this, I actually had the energy to microwave some leftovers and eat. I took meds without gagging! I don't have a headache.

I think I haven't been sleeping enough. We've been going to bed really late and I've only been getting like 7hrs of sleep each night (which is NEVER enough for me, even before pregnancy). I haven't been taking naps the last week either. Perhaps that's why I've been feeling so sick and tired and had headaches. I've been miserable the past few days and now I feel like I did before I started getting sick. Still some nausea and can't push myself much, but I don't feel like I'm dying. I can eat small amounts. It's BEAUTIFUL!

So for the next week I'm going to try this: sleep. I will go to bed early. I will take naps. I will NOT push myself, even if I am feeling "good." I will rest and take it easy.

I want to feel well enough to be thoughtful of others. When I get miserable the whole world becomes about me and I forget to be appreciative of all that I have- especially Cameron. He is long over due for some kind words. That's my goal today: to say kind words to my husband.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Falling into the deep

I just want to cry. I'm hungry, but everything sounds horrible. I'm too tired to make myself anything, and even sitting I feel like I might vomit. Smells waft through my house assaulting me when I least suspect it. I hurt. I ache. I'm lonely.

The only thing I've had today was a small smoothie that I nursed over a three hour period at SAMM while working. I was doing ok while I was there so I got ambitious and thought I would go to the grocery store on my way home. I needed apple juice and easy mac has been sounding good on occasion- plus I thought I might attempt to make my hubby dinner.

Shopping was a HORRIBLE idea. I don't have the stamina for pushing a cart through a grocery store. I also don't have the stomach for all the smells- or even just the visuals. I thought I was going to lose it over by the laundry detergent. By the time I got in line I was desperate to sit down- but there were no benches. Then I had to push my cart out and load the groceries into my car- and THEN get into a hot car. When you feel nauseous and tired and then get bombarded with very warm air quickly, it's a horrible thing. As if all of that wasn't enough, my car was on empty so I had to stop for gas. When I got out, it smelled like poop. Literally. I think someone threw out a diaper there.

I had to prioritize what really needed to be brought upstairs and what I could leave in the hot car until Cameron gets home to unload it. I managed to get the cold things in the fridge and now I'm done. I'm completely spent and I think if I move from this spot I'm going to lose my smoothie. I hate feeling this way. I'm losing weight from being sick, but I look huge. I'm incredibly uncomfortable and feel hungry in bursts but as soon as I get food I get nauseous.

I just want to fall asleep crying but I know I have to somehow make myself eat. Food scares me. I'm literally afraid of it. I have to sit and look at it for a while to get up my courage to eat.

I feel like a helpless, sick little kid and I really just want my mommy.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

It gets worse before it gets better

Before getting pregnant, I had hoped to be one of the lucky girls who goes through the whole first trimester without ever feeling pregnancy symptoms. As soon as I got pregnant, I knew that wouldn't be the case since I'd been nauseous and worn out for a week before the test came back positive. After a few weeks of nausea and exhaustion coupled with food aversions and a heightened sense of smell I was uncomfortable but still counting my blessings that at least I wasn't vomiting. Week 7 day 2 changed that. I was up all night in the bathroom. It was miserable.

 Food aversions are increasing and becoming more hostile. My taste buds seem to have changed too- a cookie now tastes like pure sugar- which apparently is something I can't stand (this is news to the girl who learned to say "cookie" right after "mama" and "dada"). I now eat plain food- mostly starches, but nothing too sweet. I feel like my list of safe foods is dwindling by the day. I used to love food.

Now here's the truly awful part: I don't feel like eating 80% of the day and if I DONT eat, then I get even more nauseous, but eating in and of itself can make me nauseous. It's a catch 22.

The upside is that on Week 7 day 3 we got seabands that have made a WORLD of difference. I fully believe they are the reason why I have been vomit free for the last 36 hours. Peppermint sometimes has a calming effect on my stomach too. Also, progression of my symptoms has me a little relieved. As long as I feel sick, it means that my baby is most likely still growing like it's supposed to. These symptoms are presumed to be a result of increased hormones and HCG in my body. Those are only present because of the baby- so as long as I feel these symptoms, I can rest easier trusting that my baby is still ok.

In other news,

I think we're having a boy. I know that what I think we're having has no effect whatsoever on what we're actually having, and I know that my reasons for believing it are completely without scientific merit, but regardless, his name will be Caedmon August Jaeger. It's Celtic for "wise warrior." I like it a lot.

Reasons why I think I'm having a boy:
1. My mom had virtually no pregnancy symptoms when she carried me, but was extremely sick carrying my brother.
2. I absolutely cannot find a girl name that I like the way it sounds, fits with our name, and it's meaning.
3. I already own a considerable blue baby item that was intended for a friend's baby shower. I saw that someone else had already purchased it off the registry and I never returned the item.
4. Cameron and I chose Caedmon August Jaeger as the name of our first son several months before finding out I'm pregnant. We then happened to find out I'm pregnant in the month of August.
5. I always prayed that I would have a boy first because when I was a kid I wished that I had an older brother.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

...And Now We Know

Monday was my first prenatal appointment. Not as bad as the books made it out to be- and it didn't take nearly as long as I thought. A little poking, prodding, and of course blood samples, but all in all it was pretty easy going. I even had my first sonogram- my doctor ordered it to date the pregnancy. Since I have irregularly long cycles (tmi... I know) my doctor said that traditional dating probably wouldn't be very accurate. She was right.

According to traditional dating I would have been 7 weeks at my Monday appointment, but according to the lady who did my sonogram I was only at about 5 weeks 3 days. She had a hard time finding the baby because it was so small. No worries though! She did find my little one (please note that yes it was only one praise Jesus!) Added bonus: our little one was just big enough for use to see it's HEART beating!

 I mentioned my worries about miscarriage to my doctor and she was very kind to explain exactly what to look for and what's normal versus what isn't. She even had first hand experience she described to me (she explained that her first pregnancy was a miscarriage). She assured me that while there is always a small chance that something could go wrong, that small chance got much smaller once you see the heart beating. WHEW! That little heart beating gave me the courage to tell our parents about the pregnancy.

So that was the up side of pregnancy news lately... the down side: I feel awful more often than before. It's not just in the afternoons anymore, it's morning, afternoon, and evening.

I'm feeling alright today (which means well enough to sit on my chair and get up occasionally to refill my cup or get a snack without feeling like throwing up on the way). I think having a clean home made a big difference. I have always sworn that a clean environment helps you feel better. Today the girl I called last week to come clean came for the first time. She is amazing! She didn't just clean my house, she organized as she went.  My closet has been a mess for almost a month now and it's spotless and organized now. She even did laundry! My dishes are clean, my clothes are clean, and my home is clean : ) Its downright lovely and worth every penny we paid her. I've been reading a lot of books that tell me not to worry so much about my home getting dirty right now and that its more important to be getting plenty of rest. I agree that resting is better than cleaning, but if you can scrape the money to get help, its MUCH better to rest and have a clean home.

Thursday, August 16, 2012


I woke up feeling terrible. I went to the bathroom, then got ready to shower only to realize that standing up is not a good thing. I laid down in bed and was hit with this incredible feeling of nausea. One of those that makes you afraid to move. So I didn't... move that is. I stayed in bed until I felt like I was safe... I got up, walked into the living room with my phone, stepped toward the kitchen, got a whiff of cat poo and immediately had to sit down. It took a good hour to recover and find the energy to feed the cats. After that it took another good 30 minutes to gain the courage to enter the kitchen so I could get myself some water.

I'm doing a little better now, but I can't really walk... or stand... but sitting here on the couch chair seems to be ok. I need help. I love my husband, and he has been trying, but he is gone to work 13-14 hours a day. When he gets home there just isn't much time or energy for cleaning AND trying to cuddle me and make me feel loved (personally I would rather have the cuddles). He works hard and I'm so glad that I have this opportunity while pregnant to stay at home and just rest when I need to, but I also need my home clean. I don't have the energy or stomach to do it myself and my mommy is too far away to come help me on a regular basis.

I did what was necessary. I called in reinforcements. I officially scheduled a housekeeper to come once a week to clean the apartment and help with dishes and laundry. It's a lot of money, but worth it to get to spend more time with my husband when he's home and not have to live in a disgusting apartment.

When I told Cameron that I called a cleaning lady to come he was apologetic that he hadn't been keeping up with the housework. He was afraid that he wasn't doing a good job taking care of me. I just kinda smiled when he said that because he is so sweet and doesn't realize how great of a job he's doing. I mean, I get to stay at home while pregnant. No working. I get to volunteer with a homeless ministry and because its volunteer work, I can call in without feeling guilty. I can sit at home and read pregnancy books and spend hours looking at things on pinterest and reading mommy blogs and planning for the baby and take naps whenever I feel like it and it's all made possible by Cameron. Him working has provided me with this ideal situation where not only do I get to stay home, but we actually have the means to afford some help with the housework while I'm not feeling up to it.

God really has blessed me so much.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

The Addiction

I've officially known that I'm pregnant for a week now. It seems like so much longer. I've pinned about a million pregnancy-mommy related things already, facebook stalked all of my mommy friends, and started reading at least three different pregnant/mommy related blogs. I have the mommy books, the how to cope with it books, the this is what pregnant women should do books, the this is what you need to buy, what you can plan to spend.... it goes on and on and on. Between the two of us, I think we now have a library of about 11 books dedicated to pregnancy/newborn care. Whats awful is that it isn't even the beginning of all the books I want to read. I've started looking at maternity clothes (and prices- ouch!) as well as perusing craigslist for all things related baby. The one great thing about being in a big city during this time is the abundant choices I have. I don't just have babies r us, target and walmart. I have specialty stores, maternity stores, and the best part: SPECIALTY THRIFT STORES! Yes! There are stores here that just sell "gently used" baby stuff and maternity clothes.

I already know the percent that my insurance company is willing to pay, what my deductible is, and a good estimate of what we can expect to pay out of pocket. I know the terms for how long we have to add the baby to our insurance policy after birth and what situations require "pre-approval" for coverage.

I've already looked around at the prices for disposable diapers and have a plan "a" for how I would like to ideally go about purchasing diapers (of course if the baby ends up allergic to the brand I would prefer, then I'll have to come up with a different, possibly more expensive option). I also have started looking into cloth diapers. I'd like to try using cloth at home as much as possible to cut down on diaper costs and waste (from what I understand our landfills are full of a LOT of diapers- I'd like to at least make an effort to lessen the amount that I add to that).

I'm a little obsessed.... it's good... I think. I like being prepared... and informed. I really like knowing what I'm getting into and knowing as much about it as possible. I'm ready to tell people about being pregnant just so that I can start asking questions. I want to know what my mommy friends recommend. All in good time though I suppose... I still have another 33 1/2 weeks before the baby comes. No rush.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

The NAKED truth of pregnancy

As mentioned before, I haven't been feeling good in the afternoons. Usually somewhere around 2pm I start to feel sick and don't start feeling better again until maybe 8pm. Yesterday it continued on into the night and I felt pretty awful until sometime around 2am.

My husband leaves in the morning long before I wake up, and by the time he gets home, I am pitiful. I go back and forth between sad, angry, bitter, bitchy (excuse the term but I don't know what else to call it), and downright mournful. My home smells. It's dirty. The dishes have been sitting in the sink for days. The trash needs to be taken out and the littler box needs to be changed. My fridge desperately needs to be cleaned out. But here's the thing, by the time I get up out of bed, I barely have enough time to fix myself something to eat so I can force down some pills and vitamins before I start feeling bad. The smells make me nauseous and the lovely skin condition on my hand is extremely irritated by soap. So not only is my house gross, but so am I.

This is what my husband comes home to everyday. So today when I got up I thought I might try to push myself to change at least one thing on that list. So I decided after lunch to try to take a shower. My legs haven't been shaved in over a week. I've been bathed by my husband pretty much every other day but I have a hard time making it in the shower long because the moisture makes me feel sick. So I thought that today I would give it a try because with all that he has to come home to after working a long day, I don't want to add disgusting wife to the list. I can be cranky and feel awful, but I should at least smell and appear clean. I got in, made it through washing (although my hands are sore from it thanks to the soap) and then I started getting tired. I had to turn the water to completely cold to keep from getting nauseous and sit down to attempt shaving my legs. All in all I was successful, I am clean and shaven. But naked. You see, all of that energy... well it was all I had. So now I'm in a towel. I'm curled up on the couch chair in my living room and unless nature calls with some sort of unyielding intensity... I'm not likely to find the energy to move from this spot. I have my laptop, a remote control, my phone, a bottle of water, and a stack of pregnancy books... I have everything I could possibly need... except clothes.

What's awful is that I can see this becoming a trend. Clothes aren't really comfortable anyway. I haven't gained any weight yet (and hope I don't for a while- supposedly that shouldn't start happening for a few more weeks at least) but in spite of maintaining my weight, I look puffy and my stomach feels huge due to the lovely bloating associated with my digestive system deciding to work in slow-motion. This means that my jeans are all highly uncomfortable, my tops aren't fitting cute like they did before, and well... bras are just horrible. Under-wire now seems more like a cruel form of torture.

Pregnancy is gross. The more I learn about it, the more I think that I should have thought more seriously about adoption.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Fear of falling in love...

Wednesday evening when Cameron came home I had him come sit in front of me on the big couch chair and I put my arms around his neck. Quietly I asked him "can you keep a secret?" He was quiet only for a second, then turned around with big eyes and a giant smile on his face and said "NO?" ..."you're pregnant?" I just started crying and shook my head yes.... then grabbed my phone to find the pic of the test I took that was positive as he asked "are you sure?" I showed him the picture while crying... he started crying too. Then he asked "did you take more than one?" to which I answered, "I didn't need to."

 I had suspected that I might be. I've been feeling incredibly tired and sick around the same time of day every day for a while now. I've been itching all over, and this mild skin condition (I think its a mild form of eczema) that I get periodically on my hands has shown up with a vengeance. In addition, I suddenly feel the need to start taking naps and my gums have been hurting (even though I have excellent dental hygiene- my dentist's words, not mine). I've been bloated and half the time nothing sounds good to eat. All of these are extremely common symptoms of early pregnancy.

My husband and I have been half-way trying for about 7 months to get pregnant... we weren't super dedicated or anything... I have never taken my basal body temperature and I really have no idea when I ovulate. At our last doctor's visit when asked about if we were trying we explained the situation and our doctor said she wrote in our charts "not preventing." We've wanted children since we got married but knew it would be best to wait until we'd been married a few years. We also didn't want the pressure of "trying" to have kids. Apparently "half-way" trying or "not preventing" proved effective : )

I'm currently at 5 weeks 5 days according to traditional dating (judged by the start date of the last menstrual period). I called and made my first prenatal appointment today. Monday I go in for labs so those will be handy when I see the doctor in about a week and a half. Cameron and I agreed not to tell anyone about the pregnancy until I'm further along. We figure in a few weeks we can tell close family and then a few weeks later when a miscarriage is less likely, we will share our news with everyone else. I know a lot of people tell much sooner, but here's the deal: I'm scared.

I'm having a hard time being happy about all of this right now. It has nothing to do with wanting children or wanting to be a mom or anything. I want to be a mom, I know Cameron is going to be a great dad, and we are in a really great place in life both in our marriage and relationships. This is almost IDEAL timing (who can ever say that?) The thing is... I don't want to get attached. It's all too good to be true. I'm desperately afraid that the moment I get excited and happy I will fall head over heels in love with this child and then if something happens... if I have a miscarriage... it will just destroy me. But maybe... maybe if I don't get excited, don't get happy, don't think about it as my baby yet, just as this medical condition for now and treat it as such then if things don't work out, it won't be as hard. No matter what it would be hell, but at least it would just be hell for us. I can't bear the thought of not just having my own heart broken, but having to call family and break their hearts too.

Because of the nature of Cameron's job he can't go with me Monday- which is no big deal, just lab work- but I'm HORRIBLE about them taking blood. I get woozy and white and I'm just one of those people who seriously needs someone there as support. So we agreed to tell my mom so I could ask her to go with me. She understands why I don't want to share the news... she had a miscarriage before she had me. She knows the heartbreak of wanting a child so much and believing that you're finally going to have one only to find that your child, your dream, and all that attachment has been destroyed and you were powerless to stop it.. that it had nothing to do with how well you took care of yourself or the good choices you made. That's what's so scary about miscarriages... they rarely have any understandable cause- they almost never have anything to do with the actions of the mother... so I'm powerless. It's just a waiting game.

But then these lyrics play through my head:

Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away?
And I'm so close to what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole

 You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
'Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I'll start