Week 10, day 2. I'm finally to double digits! Just a few more weeks and we can make the big announcement. I called and got an OB here in San Antonio. I will go in Monday to meet him for the first time. Not thrilled about it being a him.... but after a lot of calling around and talking to other doctors, it seems that he is the best qualified to take care of me and my little one considering my entire health profile. He's actually a professor at the medical school here. He's published a LOT of articles, and his specialties seem to be in high-risk cases. He is definitely "in the know" with all the most up to date information and practices. That makes me feel a little better. Now if I meet him and he seems nice, I will be able to breathe a sigh of relief.
Every day I look at my calendar and count how many days I've been pregnant. Then I count how much money we have and how much money a baby costs- OUCH. We need to be saving right now for the costs just of delivery. I'm a little money stressed today. The cost of going to Longview for care has been way more than we could afford... it's crazy how big the number is that it all added up to (nearly two weeks of pay not including doctor bills). Now we're paying for it the hard way. I had to ask our housekeeper to skip coming the next three weeks so we can put the money towards bills. We've been cancelling subscription services and I've been clipping coupons. I put his truck up for sale today.
Being pregnant has come with a high cost so far- not just monetary. I hate that yesterday when Cameron sat down on the couch with me for dinner I burst into tears and sobbed uncontrollably. I don't even know why I did it. What makes it worse is that it's so unpredictable. I can be having a great day. I feel good, I'm eating, I'm able to get my own glasses of water and I'm in a good mood (take note that I've been reduced to describing a "good" day as one where I'm able to walk and eat with an agreeable disposition)... maybe I'm even out at SAMM or running an errand with Cameron.. then BAM! I'm hit with this awful feeling of nausea and I have to drop everything I'm doing and basically go into 4 year old mode where I have someone else do everything for me while I lay on a couch.
I'm complaining. I know that, and I tried to limit it. I'm glad we're having a baby. We've wanted one since the day we got married. I know that the symptoms are evidence of the life God is weaving in me. I know that in the end, it's worth it. I also sincerely hope that I have no memory of this time of pain and doubt when it's all over. Regardless of how my symptoms are once I get out of the first trimester, I really believe this whole experience will be easier in a way because then I will feel more confident that this child in me is one that I will get to meet. It's hard to experience the joy associated with having a baby when you're still so afraid that your baby might not make it. Just a few more weeks... I'm counting. I'm waiting and anticipating the moment when I can let out the joy and celebrate with others that we're going to have a baby. I think I'm holding it in so deeply because that's the dream: since I was in pre-k the only aspirations I've ever truly owned up to are the deep desires to be a wife and a mommy.
Wow! You're already 10wks! That's so very exciting! And yes, it will get better! And trust me, it will also grow your relationship with your husband! Now that we have Jonah, Alan and I love and respect each other on a whole new level!
ReplyDeletePlease, do your best to not live in fear but to trust in God's soveriegnty (sp?)-- I know that is easier said than done, but always go back to the scripture-- "Why are you down cast, O my soul? Hope in God!"
Mwah! I love you and baby sooo much!