Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Warning: OB love spill to follow

I LOVE Dr. Dudley! That has probably been the most enjoyable Dr. visit I've ever been to. I felt like I was speaking with someone who was not only an authority, but also respected me and was incredibly understanding.

He sat down and seriously just spent time talking with me about my pregnancy, my time in San Antonio, what to expect, what to look for, how to deal with my symptoms and where to go if I have any issues. He was very honest about the pros and cons of the hospital he works with for delivery which helped me a lot (I wasn't thrilled with pretty much being forced to use this hospital simply because the others don't want to deal with a "high risk," but he set my mind at ease by showing me how to work things to my advantage).

He was super eager to offer me relief options for symptoms and even worries, but didn't feel the need to pressure me. (My doctor in Longview is always pushing meds for symptoms when I sometimes would rather avoid unnecessary meds- especially now with my little gummy bear). When I mentioned my aversion to unnecessary meds he was quick to support my feelings on the issue while making me feel that it would still be ok to ask for meds if I change my mind later. He offered to do another ultrasound if I was worried (because I mentioned my miscarriage fears) but his confidence and willingness to ease my fears made me feel so much better about everything, so I told him that an ultrasound wasn't necessary.

Pregnancy "emergencies" are not handled by the emergency room- and in fact, I was told to absolutely avoid that entire floor at all costs unless I am in a car wreck. Pregnant women have a separate place to go on a different floor. Although if I do get in a car wreck, the emergency room is the best place to go- he said that people in San Antonio are horrible drivers and that I should avoid driving as much as possible and gave a little speech on the importance of always wearing a safety belt. He has several patients EVERY YEAR that end up in car wrecks. (That's a bit unsettling!)

Overall I left feeling like someone really cared. Like no matter what happens he's going to be there for me and take care of things. I felt safe and relaxed. 

He said I have about two-four more weeks of these yucky symptoms then they should start to go away : )
I go back in four weeks for a check up, then three weeks later will be the full scan ultrasound where they will spend a lot of time examining my gummy bear to make sure he/she is developing properly and we will hopefully find out the gender then : ) Of course it will be November by then, but still- that's only seven weeks away!

Friday, September 21, 2012

And counting...

Week 10, day 2. I'm finally to double digits! Just a few more weeks and we can make the big announcement. I called and got an OB here in San Antonio. I will go in Monday to meet him for the first time. Not thrilled about it being a him.... but after a lot of calling around and talking to other doctors, it seems that he is the best qualified to take care of me and my little one considering my entire health profile. He's actually a professor at the medical school here. He's published a LOT of articles, and his specialties seem to be in high-risk cases. He is definitely "in the know" with all the most up to date information and practices. That makes me feel a little better.  Now if I meet him and he seems nice, I will be able to breathe a sigh of relief.

Every day I look at my calendar and count how many days I've been pregnant. Then I count how much money we have and how much money a baby costs- OUCH. We need to be saving right now for the costs just of delivery. I'm a little money stressed today. The cost of going to Longview for care has been way more than we could afford... it's crazy how big the number is that it all added up to (nearly two weeks of pay not including doctor bills). Now we're paying for it the hard way. I had to ask our housekeeper to skip coming the next three weeks so we can put the money towards bills. We've been cancelling subscription services and I've been clipping coupons. I put his truck up for sale today. 

Being pregnant has come with a high cost so far- not just monetary. I hate that yesterday when Cameron sat down on the couch with me for dinner I burst into tears and sobbed uncontrollably. I don't even know why I did it. What makes it worse is that it's so unpredictable. I can be having a great day. I feel good, I'm eating, I'm able to get my own glasses of water and I'm in a good mood (take note that I've been reduced to describing a "good" day as one where I'm able to walk and eat with an agreeable disposition)... maybe I'm even out at SAMM or running an errand with Cameron.. then BAM! I'm hit with this awful feeling of nausea and I have to drop everything I'm doing and basically go into 4 year old mode where I have someone else do everything for me while I lay on a couch.

I'm complaining. I know that, and I tried to limit it. I'm glad we're having a baby. We've wanted one since the day we got married. I know that the symptoms are evidence of the life God is weaving in me. I know that in the end, it's worth it. I also sincerely hope that I have no memory of this time of pain and doubt when it's all over. Regardless of how my symptoms are once I get out of the first trimester, I really believe this whole experience will be easier in a way because then I will feel more confident that this child in me is one that I will get to meet. It's hard to experience the joy associated with having a baby when you're still so afraid that your baby might not make it. Just a few more weeks... I'm counting. I'm waiting and anticipating the moment when I can let out the joy and celebrate with others that we're going to have a baby. I think I'm holding it in so deeply because that's the dream: since I was in pre-k the only aspirations I've ever truly owned up to are the deep desires to be a wife and a mommy.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

What I've learned from Nausea:

The past few weeks have taught me a few hard learned lessons:

  • Sit. When your body says "sit"- do so immediately
  • Eat. Regardless of how bad you feel- and do so often. Eat before you go to bed, eat as soon as you wake up before getting out of bed, EAT! Snack. Indulge. That one little chocolate covered donut before climbing out of bed can make all the difference. Thanks to nausea, I've been losing weight- so I'm not worried about the donut if that's the only thing that sounds good. It's more important to eat. I can't put anything down in large enough amounts for it to matter anyway.
  • Drink. Even if you can only handle small amounts at a time- dehydration is no one's friend and comes with a host of awful symptoms.Gatorade has been my greatest craving.
  • Sleep. A lot. Go to bed early, sleep in, take naps. 
  • Rest. Sit down, lay down, read a book, watch a movie, waste time on pinterest. Physically and mentally give yourself downtime. The pressure of being the sole nutrient provider for a little one and the environment for them to grow and development is enough to stress anyone out. Fear of miscarriage creeps in and thoughts of "am I doing this right?" can be suffocating. Lots of physical and mental rest help. 
As it turns out, the consequence of not doing these things is vomit. Sometimes vomit will come regardless, but these things really do seem to make a difference. I've actually had a few good days lately. You know, the kind where you can almost make it through a thorough tooth brushing without gagging. It's lovely.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

My gummybear

Yesterday was a follow up appointment. My doctor ordered a second ultrasound since the dating from the last ultrasound was so far off from my LMP dating. We were excited since the first one wasn't very eventful- not much to see.

Second ultrasound went great! Growth of the baby was consistent with the previous ultrasound. I'm at 8 weeks 7 days! The lady who did my ultrasound was great about pointing out all the little developments my baby has made. She said he's the about the size of a gummy bear right now. I like that. A huge portion of his body is his head, the rest is pretty much just his heart, and there are little leg and arm buds. When we were watching the screen our little gummy bear was squirming around and dancing a little jig, truly Cameron's child : )

My doctor called after she got the ultrasound to say that everything looks good and that baby gummybear's heart beat was 170bpm. Best part of all: this time I got a picture! It's hard to see, but still, it's exciting.

My doctor still seems concerned that the dating was like 10 days off. She said she will probably order one more ultrasound in a few weeks just to be extra safe. Also, she insists that I find an OB in San Antonio. She seems really against me trying to come back to Longview to have the baby. Cameron and I started talking about the idea on the drive back. It would make things so much easier if all of this was happening in San Antonio since we wouldn't have to make so many drives (which cost money) and Cameron wouldn't to have to ask for as much time off. I don't know. There are some major pluses to doing all of this in San Antonio- along with being more cost effective it would also be much more convenient- I just still really don't like the idea of my baby being born here.I had always hoped that my baby would get to be born and raised in the same place.

I've really been struggling with holding on to Longview. We haven't made friends here in San Antonio, we haven't gotten involved in a church, and I think part of it is intentional- because who wants to invest their time and effort in relationships that are temporary? An old friend of Cameron's was in town not long ago and met us for dinner- we expressed these things to him and he pretty much just told us that we were wrong. We aren't promised tomorrow so we have to live each day to the fullest. He said that investing in relationships is what God called us to do. He said we have to live life where God has put us. He made some good points. We dearly miss our friends and church family in Longview and can't wait to get back, but until God brings us back, it's time to start living our lives here. I'm not sure where to start with that, but I think it starts with calling an OB and accepting that God knew when and where I'd be when He blessed us with this pregnancy and He chose the time and place for a reason.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Sleep is so good

I slept twelve hours and I don't feel one shred of guilt. I feel like a new person. This has been the BEST morning. I woke up feeling alive. I was HUNGRY! and get this, I actually had the energy to microwave some leftovers and eat. I took meds without gagging! I don't have a headache.

I think I haven't been sleeping enough. We've been going to bed really late and I've only been getting like 7hrs of sleep each night (which is NEVER enough for me, even before pregnancy). I haven't been taking naps the last week either. Perhaps that's why I've been feeling so sick and tired and had headaches. I've been miserable the past few days and now I feel like I did before I started getting sick. Still some nausea and can't push myself much, but I don't feel like I'm dying. I can eat small amounts. It's BEAUTIFUL!

So for the next week I'm going to try this: sleep. I will go to bed early. I will take naps. I will NOT push myself, even if I am feeling "good." I will rest and take it easy.

I want to feel well enough to be thoughtful of others. When I get miserable the whole world becomes about me and I forget to be appreciative of all that I have- especially Cameron. He is long over due for some kind words. That's my goal today: to say kind words to my husband.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Falling into the deep

I just want to cry. I'm hungry, but everything sounds horrible. I'm too tired to make myself anything, and even sitting I feel like I might vomit. Smells waft through my house assaulting me when I least suspect it. I hurt. I ache. I'm lonely.

The only thing I've had today was a small smoothie that I nursed over a three hour period at SAMM while working. I was doing ok while I was there so I got ambitious and thought I would go to the grocery store on my way home. I needed apple juice and easy mac has been sounding good on occasion- plus I thought I might attempt to make my hubby dinner.

Shopping was a HORRIBLE idea. I don't have the stamina for pushing a cart through a grocery store. I also don't have the stomach for all the smells- or even just the visuals. I thought I was going to lose it over by the laundry detergent. By the time I got in line I was desperate to sit down- but there were no benches. Then I had to push my cart out and load the groceries into my car- and THEN get into a hot car. When you feel nauseous and tired and then get bombarded with very warm air quickly, it's a horrible thing. As if all of that wasn't enough, my car was on empty so I had to stop for gas. When I got out, it smelled like poop. Literally. I think someone threw out a diaper there.

I had to prioritize what really needed to be brought upstairs and what I could leave in the hot car until Cameron gets home to unload it. I managed to get the cold things in the fridge and now I'm done. I'm completely spent and I think if I move from this spot I'm going to lose my smoothie. I hate feeling this way. I'm losing weight from being sick, but I look huge. I'm incredibly uncomfortable and feel hungry in bursts but as soon as I get food I get nauseous.

I just want to fall asleep crying but I know I have to somehow make myself eat. Food scares me. I'm literally afraid of it. I have to sit and look at it for a while to get up my courage to eat.

I feel like a helpless, sick little kid and I really just want my mommy.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

It gets worse before it gets better

Before getting pregnant, I had hoped to be one of the lucky girls who goes through the whole first trimester without ever feeling pregnancy symptoms. As soon as I got pregnant, I knew that wouldn't be the case since I'd been nauseous and worn out for a week before the test came back positive. After a few weeks of nausea and exhaustion coupled with food aversions and a heightened sense of smell I was uncomfortable but still counting my blessings that at least I wasn't vomiting. Week 7 day 2 changed that. I was up all night in the bathroom. It was miserable.

 Food aversions are increasing and becoming more hostile. My taste buds seem to have changed too- a cookie now tastes like pure sugar- which apparently is something I can't stand (this is news to the girl who learned to say "cookie" right after "mama" and "dada"). I now eat plain food- mostly starches, but nothing too sweet. I feel like my list of safe foods is dwindling by the day. I used to love food.

Now here's the truly awful part: I don't feel like eating 80% of the day and if I DONT eat, then I get even more nauseous, but eating in and of itself can make me nauseous. It's a catch 22.

The upside is that on Week 7 day 3 we got seabands that have made a WORLD of difference. I fully believe they are the reason why I have been vomit free for the last 36 hours. Peppermint sometimes has a calming effect on my stomach too. Also, progression of my symptoms has me a little relieved. As long as I feel sick, it means that my baby is most likely still growing like it's supposed to. These symptoms are presumed to be a result of increased hormones and HCG in my body. Those are only present because of the baby- so as long as I feel these symptoms, I can rest easier trusting that my baby is still ok.

In other news,

I think we're having a boy. I know that what I think we're having has no effect whatsoever on what we're actually having, and I know that my reasons for believing it are completely without scientific merit, but regardless, his name will be Caedmon August Jaeger. It's Celtic for "wise warrior." I like it a lot.

Reasons why I think I'm having a boy:
1. My mom had virtually no pregnancy symptoms when she carried me, but was extremely sick carrying my brother.
2. I absolutely cannot find a girl name that I like the way it sounds, fits with our name, and it's meaning.
3. I already own a considerable blue baby item that was intended for a friend's baby shower. I saw that someone else had already purchased it off the registry and I never returned the item.
4. Cameron and I chose Caedmon August Jaeger as the name of our first son several months before finding out I'm pregnant. We then happened to find out I'm pregnant in the month of August.
5. I always prayed that I would have a boy first because when I was a kid I wished that I had an older brother.