Thursday, September 6, 2012

Falling into the deep

I just want to cry. I'm hungry, but everything sounds horrible. I'm too tired to make myself anything, and even sitting I feel like I might vomit. Smells waft through my house assaulting me when I least suspect it. I hurt. I ache. I'm lonely.

The only thing I've had today was a small smoothie that I nursed over a three hour period at SAMM while working. I was doing ok while I was there so I got ambitious and thought I would go to the grocery store on my way home. I needed apple juice and easy mac has been sounding good on occasion- plus I thought I might attempt to make my hubby dinner.

Shopping was a HORRIBLE idea. I don't have the stamina for pushing a cart through a grocery store. I also don't have the stomach for all the smells- or even just the visuals. I thought I was going to lose it over by the laundry detergent. By the time I got in line I was desperate to sit down- but there were no benches. Then I had to push my cart out and load the groceries into my car- and THEN get into a hot car. When you feel nauseous and tired and then get bombarded with very warm air quickly, it's a horrible thing. As if all of that wasn't enough, my car was on empty so I had to stop for gas. When I got out, it smelled like poop. Literally. I think someone threw out a diaper there.

I had to prioritize what really needed to be brought upstairs and what I could leave in the hot car until Cameron gets home to unload it. I managed to get the cold things in the fridge and now I'm done. I'm completely spent and I think if I move from this spot I'm going to lose my smoothie. I hate feeling this way. I'm losing weight from being sick, but I look huge. I'm incredibly uncomfortable and feel hungry in bursts but as soon as I get food I get nauseous.

I just want to fall asleep crying but I know I have to somehow make myself eat. Food scares me. I'm literally afraid of it. I have to sit and look at it for a while to get up my courage to eat.


I feel like a helpless, sick little kid and I really just want my mommy.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry friend! Just do your best to sleep often! and if you need a laugh- watch the I'm pregnant an i know it video!

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