A resolution worth keeping.

I don't know if I've mentioned it here, but many know that Cameron and I have found a new home church where I think we will be better plugged in. We joined Oakland Heights Baptist a week and a half ago officially. The first time we visited we left and both admitted that it felt like home.

Growing up I really felt like my church was my home. I was there ALL the time. If they would have let me, I would have kept a sleeping bag there and just moved in. Anytime the door was open I was there. Sunday mornings, Sunday evenings, Tuesdays for visitation, Wednesdays for youth group, Friday nights for hangout, and Saturdays when there were events going on. I was always there early, and I always stayed late. My Sunday School teachers were my mentors and my church friends were my REAL friends. They were the ones who knew as much about me as I knew about myself. I loved being involved and feeling like I belonged there.

In college I was adopted into a church that helped me through those years when I was really learning about myself and growing into a woman. I met older women who spoke to me as an equal and treated me with dignity. I had so many people open up their homes and families to me. It was the place I felt most comfortable and wanted.

Since we moved to Longview I've never really felt like I had that sense of home again. Oakland Heights brought that feeling back for me. What's more, is that it makes me want to be that person I was before (not exactly because God has brought me a long way and taught me so much that I wouldn't want to lose)- I want to be the person who doesn't just go to church, but is actually connected to the church. I want to be involved. I want to take ownership, and I want to feel like a contributing member of a community of believers.

One thing I'm very sorry to admit is that since college I just haven't been in the Bible like I should. While I do believe that my relationship with the Lord has grown in many ways and even during our darker moments I've maintained communication with the Lord, I'm ready to return to His word. I'm ready to remember what it's like to study scripture. I'm serious about my resolution to dig into scripture and meditate on the word of God.

To that end, I was blessed to be invited to go to Bible Study Fellowship (look it up online if you aren't familiar- it's awesome). Part of BSF is getting in the word and studying along with answering a few questions six days a week. This past week I only did it two days. I have about a million excuses for that. None of them are really great. The truth is I'm rusty. It's been a long time since I really was in the word and the truth is that it's mentally taxing. I refuse to beat myself up over it. This past week I spent time studying God's word twice. (Note that studying and reading are NOT the same thing- I've done plenty of reading since college). I hope to increase my time studying this week.


Feel free to help keep me on track. I want to meditate on scripture. Satan would much rather I stay up late watching old episodes of Boy Meets World. The things I do instead of reading scripture are not in themselves bad things, but when they replace my time in the word, they become bad things.

How can our love go wrong if we start the new year right?

The title is a line from a song by Irving Berlin performed in The Holiday Inn (my favorite movie of all time). There is a great New Years Eve song in the musical that I just love and it always sticks in my head this time of year.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how different things are from last year. New Years 2013 we were in San Antonio, missing friends (especially my mommy), and I was miserably pregnant. Cameron was working long hours and I was alone a lot. We were looking forward to coming home to Longview and rejoining our group of friends and church. I don't think we had any idea what we were really coming back to and how much ten months away had changed not only Longview and the people here, but us too.

This year we are starting out as a family of three. We have a different vehicle, new friends, and a new church home. Cameron has a new job that allows him to be home during the day with us and all day on Sundays. It is such a refreshing change to know that I will get to see my husband every day and to have the assurance that once a week he has a full day off. No more traveling. It's been fantastic for us. We are better together. Money is tight, but so is our family. I think it's better that way.

We both have goals for this next year in several areas of life, but the one I am most interested in pursuing is this:

"This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it, For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success." Joshua 1:8

This little gem is sandwiched between the more popular "be strong and courageous" admonition (it is said twice- vs.6 and vs.9). I feel like there is always emphasis on the "be strong and courageous" part, however, I've never really noticed the call to meditate on scripture with the promise of success in this passage. I probably skimmed over it in the past. This year, I want to be intentional about reading God's word and meditating on it. I don't want to skim over anything anymore.

God has given me an abundant life. No more skimming over God's word (or life for that matter). Let's start the new year right :)

Stand Up

Dear Violet,

I know that today you are frustrated. I see you trying so hard. You get up on your knees and try to pull yourself up. You want to stand. I can see it in your eyes. Right now you are sad because you fell again. It's okay to cry. The floor is hard and every time you fail to stand, you fall and it hurts. Don't worry little girl. Your legs are strong and I can see that you are determined to figure this out. You will. You can do it. Just keep trying. It may not happen today, or tomorrow, or the day after, but when it does, I will be watching and cheering for you.

Love,
Mommy

An Arugment FOR Black Friday... and even shopping on Thanksgiving

Alright, I've seen many people post articles about how Thanksgiving shopping is horrible for several reasons. From what I've read, the main arguments seem to be that it takes away from family time and being thankful for what you have and a few throw in that it really sucks for the people who have to work.

Here's the thing: I agree that for some people it's  all of those things- but as with most anything, I really believe it has a lot more to do with how you go about it.

For me, shopping on Thanksgiving Day is as old of a tradition as watching the Cowboys and having seconds on dessert. I can remember going to Kmart on Thanksgiving after lunch for about as long as I can remember. Whether we were at home, or we went to visit family it's just something I've always done. I don't go for anything in particular, it's just something the women in my family always did to get out of the house and walk off a little of what we ate. I think most years my mom ended up buying me new pajamas for the season since they always seem to run those on sale. The point is, going shopping wasn't taking away from our family time- it was CONTRIBUTING to it. It had nothing to do with consumerism or being ungrateful for what we had. It was just something to do, and we made memories out of it.

Black Friday is something special for my mom and me. We always spent the afternoon on Thanksgiving looking through ads and making a "game plan." It was usually elaborate with several stores, a schedule, list, and some color coding. Sure, we were out buying things for Christmas, but we were doing it with our family and friends in mind. We knew we could buy things later, but going to bed dressed and waking up in the middle of the night to go shiver in front of a store waiting for the doors to open came with a little magic. I don't remember many of the things we bought over the years- but I remember standing in line with my mom. I remember laughing and getting along even during the rough years when we didn't always get along. I remember being exhausted and sitting at IHOP with mom when we finished and having breakfast together. We have so many stories from the years that we spent shopping on the day after thanksgiving.

Personally, I am glad that stores have moved away from the 3am openings and instead opted for opening in the evening on Thanksgiving instead. It means that I can eat lunch, watch the Cowboys, sit around and talk with family, and then go to a few stores and come home to sleep before going back out the next morning. I always hated the zombie headache from not sleeping.

I don't think shopping around Thanksgiving has ever been about the "stuff" for us. It's always been about the tradition and memories. Sure, being able to afford slightly better gifts for friends and family was a nice plus, but it was never really about that. It's about the time we stood in line outside toys r us freezing off our bums and noticed one of our pastors in line just a few spaces away from us buying things for grandkids. Its about the year that target greeted all of their earlybird guests with coffee, cocoa and let shoppers in early because it was so cold . It's about the conversations we had while standing in line. It's about the people you meet in line and the sense of community we felt with those closest to us in line. For every person out shopping who is just there for the stuff, there are two other people who are there for the tradition- I know. I've met those people every year. For people like me, once a year, shopping isn't about the stuff- it's about all the people in the store whose story I learn. For all of the bad things I've seen, I've still seen so much more kindness on Black Friday in stores than any other day. The news doesn't ever show the guy at the front who passes something to a pregnant woman or the lady who passes her extra coupons out to other people in line. I have had so many strangers look out for me and lend a hand on Black Friday. For all those who watch the news and lose faith in humanity, I challenge you to go out and see if there isn't more to the story than just what you see on the news.

As far as the people who have to work go- I'm sorry. I know it stinks. Although in all fairness, you knew when you applied for the job that there was a really high possibility you might be working during part of the thanksgiving holiday. That's just part of retail. Most stores aren't opening on Thanksgiving until later in the day- so if you're like my family and have the big meal for lunch, you aren't missing out on the whole thing. If you work for Kmart- well, what can I say? They've opened early on Thanksgiving Day for as long as I can remember so anyone working there should have known.

These days the tradition has changed so that instead of making memories with my mom, I'm making memories with my husband. I hope someday that I will get to include Violet and make memories with her that she too will cherish for years to come.

So there you have it. Shopping doesn't have to be evil or take away from family time or fuel consumerism. It can just be about the experience. I'm probably replacing some tupperware and spending birthday money this year. I'm sure I'll make some great memories and maybe even meet some new people along the way.

I should rename my kid awesome

I'm constantly blown away by the things I learn from Violet. She is so small and innocent and has no idea how her little actions and my vain attempts to provide for her have opened up my eyes to so many things about myself and the world. Some days, her revelations are world shattering for me. Other days, they are awesome in a whole different way.

Today we took her to the library for story time. It was our first time to ever take her and during the time, they sang a song that pretty much sums up my philosophy in regards to education in such a simple and happy way. I burst out in gleeful laughter (I was practically giddy inside) when I heard this song:

The more we read together, together, together
The more we read together, the happier we'll be
Cause books make you smarter
And smarter kids go farther
The more we read together, the happier we'll be

It's like the book nerd's theme song. Perfection.

She has pushed me to see that I can do things I didn't think I could. Not just mommy things like changing diapers that make me want to puke and putting up with screaming and crying that seems endless at times without ever once losing my cool, but bigger things. She pushed me to believe that I can be creative. She made me find my silly. She challenges me to be all of the things I never thought I could be but always hoped I might. She makes me awesome.

Decisions...

When we grow up, we learn that life is grey. The right answer isn't always easy to find, and often, there is no right answer: just a small handful of choices, each with their own consequences.

I accepted this from the beginning in relation to parenthood. I know that even if I did everything "right" (as if that exists) it wouldn't matter, because if my child doesn't perceive my actions in the same manner that I intended them, then even the "right" actions could be wrong for my child. Are you with me? Rather than find this concept depressing or stressful, I find it freeing. It means that I can accept that my actions will at some point "screw my child up" in some way or another. It means I don't have to worry. I can parent according my convictions without worrying about every choice I make.

While I find it easy to accept the grey in regards to raising Violet, I have a harder time with it in other areas of life. Recently, we've found ourselves in the midst of financial turmoil. We've stressed over how we will pay our bills and feed our family and have gas in the car for Cameron to get back and forth to work. We've talked about him getting a second job (which is a bad idea right now since he's getting very little sleep working the night shift) and looked for other opportunities to earn money and reduce our bills. There is an "easy" solution to our financial woes: Cameron could go to work in the same industry he just left. The wrench comes in this: we need each other. Cameron and I NEED each other. DAILY. Violet NEEDS her daddy at home. We aren't the kind of couple who does well apart. We each make the other better, and without each other, we each become the worst versions of ourselves. The industry he just left required A LOT of travel. Too much. We can't go back to that.

You see, we have convictions about how our family ought to operate. For us, we need to be together. We need to see each other every day. We need time together regularly. We both believe it is best for all of us if I am a stay at home mom. How do we get it all? How do we manage to have family time AND enough money to pay the bills and feed our family? Enter the grey area.

We made choices that will effect our future. We are trusting that God has provided us the resources to make it through today and that He will continue to provide for us each day- even if that means walking into the future without knowing exactly how things will work out.

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.

Try shining a light down by your foot in a dark room and see how far the light reaches. I can tell you. It's just far enough to take the next step.

That's enough for me.

It took this long

I am a writer. I'm 26 years old. I spent my elementary years at home filling journals with ridiculous stories (mostly about animals). I spent my middle school years filling journals with really bad poetry. I spent most of high school and college writing about my life and using it to learn to deal with my past and the things in life that have challenged me most.

Yet, until yesterday morning, I never once would have said that I am a writer. I didn't believe I was talented enough to even try out for the high school newspaper. While many teachers read my academic papers aloud while growing up, I never considered my work worthy of notice. I'm published in a few academic journals that I don't really consider worth much. When I was in high school I even had a member of the administration believe in my ability enough to contact a personal friend, and send samples of my writing to a professional who wrote back to me and offered assistance. Still, I never considered myself a writer.

I felt like I wasn't good enough. Why? Because there was always someone better. Because the words never came out of me as beautifully as they did for Charis Boylan, and I couldn't come up with metaphors like Charlotte Dunlap, and I wasn't as creative as Elise Barret. I've never kidded myself into believing that I might ever write anything of consequence.

Yesterday morning,, while I was at church sitting in a room full of people, I found myself wishing for just a moment that I could be the person I am on paper. That was when I realized that being a writer doesn't mean I'm the best, or even that I'm good. It doesn't require notoriety or even being published. It just means that I write. I write because it's the only way I can express myself in a way that feels true to who I am.

I'm overly verbose, I need every piece edited about a thousand times, and by the end, almost every sentence has to be rewritten, but I am a writer. I may never finish the book I've started, and even if I do, no one may ever read it. I am still a writer.

It feels good.

P.S. note I did not claim to be an editor :) I am fully aware of my MANY editorial mistakes in my posts