I've been looking forward to having some time alone: time to myself, as well as time alone with my husband. My mom has been asking for quite a while when I would let her take Violet overnight again. Last time my mom took her, it felt like I spent the whole time she was gone crying. I knew that it would be hard to be away from her, but I had no idea the sort of doubled-over, gut-wrenching pain that letting her go would cause. It's fairly terrible.
This time I thought it might be different. You see, last time I let her go I knew I needed the time, but I didn't really want her to go. This time I WANTED the time. I thought that because I was looking forward to the time alone, I might feel differently about seeing her leave. I was wrong.
It hurts to turn around and know that your baby is going away in a car without you. I trust my mom with Violet more than anyone else in the world (besides Cameron of course). I have no doubt that she uses the utmost caution with her, and that she would do anything to protect my child including give her own life in a second without even thinking about it. I know my baby is as safe as she can possibly be with my mom. However, it doesn't erase my fear that something uncontrollable will happen, and I will never see my baby again. It doesn't change the fact that I worry she will be looking for me and wondering where I am, sad that I haven't come to hold her or play with her. She can't ask for me. She can't tell my mom if she's sad because she misses mommy. That kills me.
Last night I got up to use the restroom and had the urge to check on Violet, but remembered that's she's not in her crib and decided that it would be neurotic to wake up my mom and ask her to check on my baby because in the middle of the night I needed to know that she was okay.
This morning I woke up when Cameron left and laid in bed awake for an hour or so instead of sleeping in. I'm used to waking up then because I'm afraid if I don't, I won't hear her on the monitor when she wakes up.
I miss my baby. Yesterday, I completely melted into a puddle of ugly tears on the the floor after watching her leave. But after crying it out, I put on some makeup, gathered my things, and went out to get some errands done I'd been putting off because I didn't want to do them with Violet. Last night Cameron and I went out to eat and didn't have to take turns eating while the other one held the baby. This morning, I'm updating my blog because I don't have to feed her and change her and play with her and convince her to take a morning nap so I can get ready for the day and do a few chores. No, today I'm going to put on my housework clothes, turn on some music, pour myself a glass of wine, and clean my house. Then I'm going to take a long shower, and put on something that makes me feel pretty and wear dangling earrings because I don't have to worry about my child trying to rip them from my ears. I'm going to take breaks to do nothing. I'm going to have a quiet evening at home with my husband.
Today I'm going to trust that my baby is doing fine. She is taken care of and happy. She loves Nana. Most importantly, I'm going to trust that God is in control of whatever happens.
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