To Know and Follow Hard After You

I was privileged to have a high school experience unlike any other. I came out with an excellent education, a decent amount of confidence, a great spiritual foundation, and one very good friend. Despite this, I would not, if given the chance, want to relive any of my high school years. (I would, however, like a video recording of all my history classes with Mrs.Allen- those videos would be worth more than their weight in gold).

I was even more privileged to attend a university where I found unexpected friends, mentors, and a whole side of myself that I think I had refused to believe existed before because it didn't fit the expectations of my culture.When I embraced this side of myself, I lost part of the old me. Some of the old me needed to be cast off because it wasn't genuine, but part of it was good and that's the part I'm now hoping to regain.

I don't think about my past often. (Or at least I don't anymore). I've made peace with the bad parts, accepted the good parts, and moved on. I have been happily living in the present and looking to the future for the past few years. What has me on this nostalgia train is music.

I've loved music since the day I was born. When I became a christian and my family started going to church regularly, I found great joy in the worship music of that time (starting in 1998). I learned about the great lengths of the love of God from Third Day's "Love Song." I was humbled by "We Fall Down"-( which is also the only song I ever learned to play on the guitar). I remember getting to church early and standing in a dark, empty auditorium singing to the Lord. I was always singing. In praise band, ensemble, and youth choir at church, and then in praise band and choir at school (not to mention at the top of my lungs in the car, humming down the hallways, and in my room with the headphones on).

When I went to college I still listened to music a lot, but I stopped singing as much. Then, when I graduated and got married, I almost stopped listening and singing altogether. The past five years have been the only five of my life void of music.

But, recently that has changed. Since coming back to Longview and finding Oakland Heights, I  feel like a slow fire has been building, reigniting my passion for the Lord and at the same time, for music.

How does all of this tie together? This slowly building fire reminds me of the passion I had when I was younger (particularly in high school). I don't want to go back to high school, but I do want the fire back. I've spent the last several hours listening to the same worship music I did in high school. I miss the music. I miss the worship within the music. I miss the boldness I had then (well, it was bold for ME). I mean, I stood on a stage to sing to the Lord. ME. I did that. That doesn't sound at all like me now, but I want it to.

Give me one pure and holy passion
Be my magnificent obsession
Give me one glorious ambition for my life
To know and follow hard after You

To know and follow hard after You
To grow as Your disciple in Your truth
This world is empty, pale and poor
Compared to knowing You my Lord
Lead me on, and I will run after You

Real Life Mommy

I feel like I'm finally getting into the swing of this whole mommy thing.

My child is old enough to make a giant mess at every meal, warrant a bath every day (sometimes more than one a day), I'm too busy to actually bathe her every day, she is fascinated with dropping things, screaming, and dumping out everything. Violet has acquired the ability to make a nice neat stack of toys a giant mess is less than five minutes, and immediately afterwards completely loses interest in her toys, and instead starts examining the floor for dirt and trash (which is always abundant). She does most of this while smiling, babbling, giggling, and making my heart melt.

This is the mommy life I read about. What's funny is that as exhausting as it can be, it's SOOO GOOD. I know my floor is dirty (even though I scrubbed it on hands and knees a few days ago). I know the laundry is piled up on the couch. Even though we do at least one load a day, we only catch up all the dishes about once a week. The "dining" table is inevitably the place we pile books and sewing stuff, and the bathroom floor still has last week's mail on it. (Because who hasn't gone out to check the mail only to realize they had to use the bathroom RIGHT THEN, and proceeded to read the mail on the toilet? This is real life people.)

 I LOVE taking her to grocery store. Sure, she gets bored after a while and wants to be held, and plays with my keys and drops them a thousand times, but she also gets excited when a stranger smiles back at her and smiles when I show her different fruits and vegetables as I put them in the cart. She babbles at me as I tell her about what I'm buying and what we will make with it. Someday she is going to be my favorite shopping partner. I know, because every time I take her with me (along with the inconvenience), I show her that I care about her. I show her that shopping is a special time to talk to mommy. I show her that it can be fun, rewarding, and economical :) I could choose to shop when I wouldn't need to take her with me, but most of the time I don't.

 Real life as a mommy has required some adjustments to my parenting ideas. I've thrown out so many of the things I've said I would never do. I've embraced the season that we are in and whatever makes that season more enjoyable. So that means she isn't in cloth diapers everyday (although we do still use them regularly), we eat cereal puffs from the can, we adore anything that can be picked up with little fingers that isn't messy, and we like the idea of applesauce in a squeezable pouch. It means that we don't always read a story before bed, she doesn't always wear pajamas, and at home, she doesn't always even wear pants.

Real life mommy holds to only one real belief as far as parenting goes and that is to train my child in the way that she should go. Not train her one way, then train her another way, then another. Our life is messy and imperfect, and that's okay. She goes where we go. She eats what we eat. She starts out how we want her to continue on.

It's a beautiful mess.

Don't wait 5 months to fill in your kid's baby book

Yeah...
So tonight I'm doing something I should have been doing all along: writing in Violet's baby book. As it turns out, she is almost ten months old, and I haven't written in it since she was three months! Luckily with social media and dates on pictures (plus my lovely little blog here), it's not that hard to piece together what happened when and fill in the blanks.

It's been a nice little jog down memory lane. I have a hard time digesting just how much she has changed from this little "thing" to a sweet little girl who has personality and likes and dislikes. Four months ago it was a big deal that we could sit her up, and she could stay that way without any help. Today she started trying to let go and stand without holding on to anything. I realized about a week ago that I probably need to start thinking about what we're going to do for her first birthday party. Yikes!

Some days I think it's all happening too fast, and I long for the little baby who just wanted to be held and sleep in my arms. I feel like I let that time slip away some, wishing for her to be more like she is now. Tonight as I remember each stage and little milestone she has made, I am seeing better how each stage has its precious moments that need to be embraced. I hope that I get better at writing in Violet's baby book, but if not, I hope at least that I can learn to slow down and not wish for what is behind or ahead, but instead enjoy the moment we're in.

A resolution worth keeping.

I don't know if I've mentioned it here, but many know that Cameron and I have found a new home church where I think we will be better plugged in. We joined Oakland Heights Baptist a week and a half ago officially. The first time we visited we left and both admitted that it felt like home.

Growing up I really felt like my church was my home. I was there ALL the time. If they would have let me, I would have kept a sleeping bag there and just moved in. Anytime the door was open I was there. Sunday mornings, Sunday evenings, Tuesdays for visitation, Wednesdays for youth group, Friday nights for hangout, and Saturdays when there were events going on. I was always there early, and I always stayed late. My Sunday School teachers were my mentors and my church friends were my REAL friends. They were the ones who knew as much about me as I knew about myself. I loved being involved and feeling like I belonged there.

In college I was adopted into a church that helped me through those years when I was really learning about myself and growing into a woman. I met older women who spoke to me as an equal and treated me with dignity. I had so many people open up their homes and families to me. It was the place I felt most comfortable and wanted.

Since we moved to Longview I've never really felt like I had that sense of home again. Oakland Heights brought that feeling back for me. What's more, is that it makes me want to be that person I was before (not exactly because God has brought me a long way and taught me so much that I wouldn't want to lose)- I want to be the person who doesn't just go to church, but is actually connected to the church. I want to be involved. I want to take ownership, and I want to feel like a contributing member of a community of believers.

One thing I'm very sorry to admit is that since college I just haven't been in the Bible like I should. While I do believe that my relationship with the Lord has grown in many ways and even during our darker moments I've maintained communication with the Lord, I'm ready to return to His word. I'm ready to remember what it's like to study scripture. I'm serious about my resolution to dig into scripture and meditate on the word of God.

To that end, I was blessed to be invited to go to Bible Study Fellowship (look it up online if you aren't familiar- it's awesome). Part of BSF is getting in the word and studying along with answering a few questions six days a week. This past week I only did it two days. I have about a million excuses for that. None of them are really great. The truth is I'm rusty. It's been a long time since I really was in the word and the truth is that it's mentally taxing. I refuse to beat myself up over it. This past week I spent time studying God's word twice. (Note that studying and reading are NOT the same thing- I've done plenty of reading since college). I hope to increase my time studying this week.


Feel free to help keep me on track. I want to meditate on scripture. Satan would much rather I stay up late watching old episodes of Boy Meets World. The things I do instead of reading scripture are not in themselves bad things, but when they replace my time in the word, they become bad things.

How can our love go wrong if we start the new year right?

The title is a line from a song by Irving Berlin performed in The Holiday Inn (my favorite movie of all time). There is a great New Years Eve song in the musical that I just love and it always sticks in my head this time of year.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how different things are from last year. New Years 2013 we were in San Antonio, missing friends (especially my mommy), and I was miserably pregnant. Cameron was working long hours and I was alone a lot. We were looking forward to coming home to Longview and rejoining our group of friends and church. I don't think we had any idea what we were really coming back to and how much ten months away had changed not only Longview and the people here, but us too.

This year we are starting out as a family of three. We have a different vehicle, new friends, and a new church home. Cameron has a new job that allows him to be home during the day with us and all day on Sundays. It is such a refreshing change to know that I will get to see my husband every day and to have the assurance that once a week he has a full day off. No more traveling. It's been fantastic for us. We are better together. Money is tight, but so is our family. I think it's better that way.

We both have goals for this next year in several areas of life, but the one I am most interested in pursuing is this:

"This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it, For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success." Joshua 1:8

This little gem is sandwiched between the more popular "be strong and courageous" admonition (it is said twice- vs.6 and vs.9). I feel like there is always emphasis on the "be strong and courageous" part, however, I've never really noticed the call to meditate on scripture with the promise of success in this passage. I probably skimmed over it in the past. This year, I want to be intentional about reading God's word and meditating on it. I don't want to skim over anything anymore.

God has given me an abundant life. No more skimming over God's word (or life for that matter). Let's start the new year right :)

Stand Up

Dear Violet,

I know that today you are frustrated. I see you trying so hard. You get up on your knees and try to pull yourself up. You want to stand. I can see it in your eyes. Right now you are sad because you fell again. It's okay to cry. The floor is hard and every time you fail to stand, you fall and it hurts. Don't worry little girl. Your legs are strong and I can see that you are determined to figure this out. You will. You can do it. Just keep trying. It may not happen today, or tomorrow, or the day after, but when it does, I will be watching and cheering for you.

Love,
Mommy

An Arugment FOR Black Friday... and even shopping on Thanksgiving

Alright, I've seen many people post articles about how Thanksgiving shopping is horrible for several reasons. From what I've read, the main arguments seem to be that it takes away from family time and being thankful for what you have and a few throw in that it really sucks for the people who have to work.

Here's the thing: I agree that for some people it's  all of those things- but as with most anything, I really believe it has a lot more to do with how you go about it.

For me, shopping on Thanksgiving Day is as old of a tradition as watching the Cowboys and having seconds on dessert. I can remember going to Kmart on Thanksgiving after lunch for about as long as I can remember. Whether we were at home, or we went to visit family it's just something I've always done. I don't go for anything in particular, it's just something the women in my family always did to get out of the house and walk off a little of what we ate. I think most years my mom ended up buying me new pajamas for the season since they always seem to run those on sale. The point is, going shopping wasn't taking away from our family time- it was CONTRIBUTING to it. It had nothing to do with consumerism or being ungrateful for what we had. It was just something to do, and we made memories out of it.

Black Friday is something special for my mom and me. We always spent the afternoon on Thanksgiving looking through ads and making a "game plan." It was usually elaborate with several stores, a schedule, list, and some color coding. Sure, we were out buying things for Christmas, but we were doing it with our family and friends in mind. We knew we could buy things later, but going to bed dressed and waking up in the middle of the night to go shiver in front of a store waiting for the doors to open came with a little magic. I don't remember many of the things we bought over the years- but I remember standing in line with my mom. I remember laughing and getting along even during the rough years when we didn't always get along. I remember being exhausted and sitting at IHOP with mom when we finished and having breakfast together. We have so many stories from the years that we spent shopping on the day after thanksgiving.

Personally, I am glad that stores have moved away from the 3am openings and instead opted for opening in the evening on Thanksgiving instead. It means that I can eat lunch, watch the Cowboys, sit around and talk with family, and then go to a few stores and come home to sleep before going back out the next morning. I always hated the zombie headache from not sleeping.

I don't think shopping around Thanksgiving has ever been about the "stuff" for us. It's always been about the tradition and memories. Sure, being able to afford slightly better gifts for friends and family was a nice plus, but it was never really about that. It's about the time we stood in line outside toys r us freezing off our bums and noticed one of our pastors in line just a few spaces away from us buying things for grandkids. Its about the year that target greeted all of their earlybird guests with coffee, cocoa and let shoppers in early because it was so cold . It's about the conversations we had while standing in line. It's about the people you meet in line and the sense of community we felt with those closest to us in line. For every person out shopping who is just there for the stuff, there are two other people who are there for the tradition- I know. I've met those people every year. For people like me, once a year, shopping isn't about the stuff- it's about all the people in the store whose story I learn. For all of the bad things I've seen, I've still seen so much more kindness on Black Friday in stores than any other day. The news doesn't ever show the guy at the front who passes something to a pregnant woman or the lady who passes her extra coupons out to other people in line. I have had so many strangers look out for me and lend a hand on Black Friday. For all those who watch the news and lose faith in humanity, I challenge you to go out and see if there isn't more to the story than just what you see on the news.

As far as the people who have to work go- I'm sorry. I know it stinks. Although in all fairness, you knew when you applied for the job that there was a really high possibility you might be working during part of the thanksgiving holiday. That's just part of retail. Most stores aren't opening on Thanksgiving until later in the day- so if you're like my family and have the big meal for lunch, you aren't missing out on the whole thing. If you work for Kmart- well, what can I say? They've opened early on Thanksgiving Day for as long as I can remember so anyone working there should have known.

These days the tradition has changed so that instead of making memories with my mom, I'm making memories with my husband. I hope someday that I will get to include Violet and make memories with her that she too will cherish for years to come.

So there you have it. Shopping doesn't have to be evil or take away from family time or fuel consumerism. It can just be about the experience. I'm probably replacing some tupperware and spending birthday money this year. I'm sure I'll make some great memories and maybe even meet some new people along the way.